ON MY DUSTY OLD BED, I WILL EAGERLY SLEEP

2003-09-18T13:04:00.000-07:00

2003-09-17T04:20:00.000-07:00

of course, im still contemplatin on whether im going to try to write my script or not. why not just write it, you dumbo, the big-eared flying dog. (i know he's an elephant, but he looks like a pink obese dog to me. wait, am i actually stating a color? im color blind dammit! my parenthetical statement is getting too long. zoinks.)

2003-09-17T04:16:00.000-07:00

just to let you know, i've been up for 32 hours straight. so if i said anything close to stupid, just ignore it. dah. brain-dead. dah. i think im going to bed...

2003-09-17T04:05:00.000-07:00

a carnivorous lion will never ever be converted into a vegetarian lion. that goes for promiscuous men, too.

sure, most of them mellow down in old age. but that's because no young girl in her right mind will ever want to sleep with a bald, crinkly, impotent granpa. (imagine the folds on his thing! yaaak.) unless the girl's a gold-digging whore.

so what they do is they get "tied" so they'll have a sure lay. a sure lay until they grow senile, or die.

what am i writing? i must be drunk, but im not.

2003-09-17T03:55:00.000-07:00

haha i think i like this quick post thing. i might start doing this from now on. instead of boring you good people with my inane whining and overwording and overstating. ok im shutting up now. poof.

2003-09-17T03:54:00.000-07:00

seems like im on a "quick post" spree right now. well, you know what they say. a man of few words is a man of wisdom. (ehng?)

oh dear, i did it again.

2003-09-17T03:52:00.000-07:00

i never would've thought looking for an lj code can be so obsessing. ive been tirelessly scouring every inch of internet space that has the phrase "lj code", and so far i've come up with zilch.

such resilience. this better pay off or im having everybody's intestines for dinner. im a mad man! don't provoke me! i have rabies! arf!

2003-09-17T03:49:00.000-07:00

kissy mwah mwah. for all you overly-PDAing couples out there. enjoy it while it lasts. mwahahahaha. (i am such a bitter s.o.b.)

2003-09-17T03:47:00.000-07:00

"have you ever loved someone so much that it hurts?"

i finally understood what this meant-- just yesterday. hurrah.

it's a start.

2003-09-17T02:21:00.000-07:00

where can i get an lj code? i just find lj's format so convenient. and fast.

2003-09-16T05:11:00.000-07:00

ok right now, i should be doing my script but im not. i've been feeling very narcissistic lately and i just can't seem to get enough of myself... help!!! narcissist bug has struck!!!

2003-09-16T04:41:00.000-07:00

i've always had a thing for DREAMERS. or what you would call an IDEALIST.

these are the people who do not fuss a lot about themselves. these are people who actually take the time to care for other things. whether it be other people in need or Mother Nature herself, these are the people who forget about their own interests, and instead look out for the welfare of others.

but don't think these people are selfless. no, they're not. they're as selfish as the next person, but in a different way. you see, in return for their humanitarian acts, they get things in return. im sure most of them get this feeling of bliss. or satisfaction. or joy. whatever it is, they are getting something in return for their supposed selflessness. so they are selfish, but in a good way. and people who are selflish like that just rock my socks off.

just like this particular girl, who just makes me pee in my pants (with delight too! hehe). of course, you don't know who she is. heck, i don't even know who she is! hmmm. you must be thinking, "but how can that be?" sounds like something's missing right? well, you do the guessing. it's more fun that way. hehe.

********

in other news, i have this zit on my nose. it's pretty much invisible to the naked eye (looks like it's a part of my nose), but i can sure fucking feel it! fuck. it feels like somebody's giving me an injection to my nose! and they're using the biggest needle in the closet! no kidding. shit. it really hurts that much. come to think of it, i've never had a zit that hurt like this. most of my past zits hurt but not as much as this one. this one absolutely takes home the trophy. absolutely.

don't you just hate zits.

2003-09-15T22:34:00.000-07:00

ok tama na muna blogging spree. back to work.

2003-09-15T11:50:00.000-07:00

"Frank, we need to talk. NOW."

You are 36% GAY!

That's less gay than average for someone of your gender and supposed orientation. The typical straight guy is 39% gay!
Here's how you compare:

people less gay than you (74%)
people just as gay as you (2%)
people gayer than you (22%)

******

hmmmm. interesting.

2003-09-15T11:36:00.000-07:00

this test is supposed to guess what gender you are

***********

It all adds up...
You are definitely a woman!

How do we know? Well, deep down, your gender affects everything about you, from your favorite number to your views on Canada. Many women who took the test think and act just like you, as you can see from the clusters above.

Statistically speaking, you are a chick.

As we said, this test gets smarter with every taker, and it's almost never wrong. You can make it even better by telling us it was right for you.

********

of course the test was fucking wrong. does this mean i think like a girl? hehehe ayus

2003-09-15T11:25:00.000-07:00

Hello, Romeo/Romea! You scored a...
79%

Love hurts, don't it? You're in pure love— the kind with sonnets and hovering cherubs— and you ache like an old man's back for your crush. The superficial things that other people care about— money, looks, body odor— don't hold much water with you. You wouldn't care if your dreamboat were the Exxon Valdez, so don't be surprised if you ever fall in love with an oily barge. Respect the twinkie, but don't ignore its needs

******

hehe. dont know for sure.

2003-09-15T11:19:00.000-07:00

"I'm afraid we have some bad news. Please, you might want to stay seated."

Mark your calendar or Palm V. You can expect to die on:

July 15, 2045
at the age of 61 years old.

On that date you will most likely die from:

Cancer (40%)
Heart Attack (27%)
Alcoholism (9%)
Alien Abduction (5%)

**********

cool. 8 days away from my birthday. (id rather die of alcoholism, at least ill die drunk and happy)

2003-09-15T11:05:00.000-07:00

Congrats! In your life, you'll have sex with 13 people!

The info on your 12 future sex partner(s):
12 of them will be female
0 of them will be male
And you will actually love 1 of them!
Also, many men actually find you attractive.

******

taena, 13 lang? bwahahaha

these are fun tests! im surprised i actually enjoyed taking the tests... asteeg na site

go to this site for the test

2003-09-15T10:54:00.000-07:00

MENTOR
(Submissive Extrovert Abstract Thinker )

Like just 6% of the population you are a MENTOR (SEAT). Some would call you the most powerful and influential of all people. Those people are wrong.

The reality is that you DON'T really WANT to impose personal views or beliefs on others. Yet you are extroverted and intelligent, and you like to get involved. So you help others with the pursuit of knowledge.

You're the reason that people say "teachers are also students." You are as much a learner as a master, and this satisfies you.

You won't die a lonely death, but towards the end you'll grow introspective, wondering if your life meant anything. This will last for decades, and you'll die after your spouse

*********

wow.

go to this site for the test

2003-09-15T09:15:00.000-07:00

catherine keener is so hot. HOT.

she's 43 years old. 23 years my senior. sexy as hell.

and she's married to durmont mulroney (most of you remember him best from "my best friend's wedding").

loved her in "full frontal". i just love the way she acts drunk.

2003-09-15T07:11:00.000-07:00

bakit feeling ko kailangan ko ng girlfriend para maging inspired? i feel that fulfilling my dreams just for myself isn't enough. i need someone i can TRULY share it with. a special someone. someone who i can share everything with... kung ako lang parang bale wala lahat eh... hay naku... :/

2003-09-15T03:17:00.000-07:00

*** i hate the tag-board. im taking it down.

*** blogging spree!!!

*** is anyone out there willing to get drunk with me? im willing to get realy drunk just tell me when. hahaha.

inuman na!

*** i need to lose some weight. mostly around my belly. hehe.

*** i hate condescending jerk wads.

*** i hate chauvinistic jerk wads. i sound like a feminist, and i actually am. is it ok for a guy to be a feminist? is there another term for that?

*** it just hit me: i need to get lucky again. but how? nyerksss

2003-09-15T02:42:00.000-07:00

wait a minute. im on a bloggin spree right now, and im just making up for almost a month of not blogging. wahahaha.

i think blogs are very self-indulgent. i even made a photo blog containing... tada! my own pictures! i never thought i'd ever get so vain. but i soon realized how icky it wass so i erased the photos and instead put one on the right as a link. but if ever i feel vain again, i'll probably post some more pics! hehe!

if you know me well, i don't talk like this. especially not this much. I DO NOT TALK A LOT. i only say things when i want to say things. to prove my point, let's just say i have to ability to shut my mouth for a day or two and not be the least bit bothered (i know. rotting saliva. yaaak.)

and what's worse is, im talking about myself! which brings me back to self-indulgence... hell, i need to feel good about myself once in a while. pagbigyan.

2003-09-15T02:25:00.000-07:00

i found myself whimpering last night. was watching "waiting to exhale", the scene where this man and woman were reconciling, and they were pouring their guts out. i don't know. it must be how intimate it felt. like the whole room was just full of deep intimacy. the sofa, the wall, the lamp. then i unwillingly found myself imagining me in that situation, in that kind of atmosphere. with a woman that i so deeply admire. with a woman that i feel deeply connected to. with a woman, i dare say, with a woman that i deeply love.

then i wept. whimpered. felt sorry for myself. why, you ask?

because i know that moment will never happen to me in real life. i can only live it in my head.

2003-09-15T02:02:00.000-07:00

ang galing ng friendster!!! nahanap ko pati mga grade school friends ko! woohoo!

but at the same time...

tanginang friendster yan!!! nakaka-adik! adik nako!! waaaaaaah kelangan ko na magsulat!!!

2003-09-13T17:27:00.000-07:00

slept around 3:30 am. woke up to the banging of Ate Rowena (our part-time househelp). that was 7 am. it's now 8:16 am. i'm still not ready to go back to bed again.

i don't know if it's a good thing, but i'm quite excited about severly lacking sleep. i don't feel sleepy (though a bit spaced-out, in a good way). my eyes don't feel heavy (i can't feel my pulsating eye luggages, the wonder!). and i don't really feel like going back to sleep. which is good. i've been complaining to myself how i would sleep for 8-9 hours a day. i could do that for a month straight. and ive been having this feeling that my good sleeping habits have been having a hand in my chronic unproductiveness. i think it has something to do with having too much sleep. your brain starts to rot and dull after a while. like a usually sharp knife going blunt. yeah. dat probably it.

right now, my brother's watching tv, and im not the least bit bothered. or distracted. maybe i should start sleeping for 2 1/2 hours a day. hmmm.

2003-09-13T09:35:00.000-07:00

A LETTER TO A FRIEND (fiction... some random shit)

You look at her from a distance. Staring at her comfortably from afar, sitting on your bench where you have the best view of her. Never ever daring to go near.

Yet, you know her already. You know she's not perfect, but she is perfect to you. Perfect, but with flaws. She's your own version of heaven-on-earth.

You know what she likes. You know what she hates. You know what she's passionate about. You know what makes her tick. You think, she's the one you've been blindly chasing all your life. You even dare say, she is the one. The one. I've never heard you say that. And to think, you've never even met her.

I even told you, she will never give you any attention. No, not the kind of attention she gives him. You will never get that. Look at yourself, then look at that man. I said that as a concerned friend. There's no way she'll leave him for you. And knowing her, she's as loyal as they get. Fucking loyal. That's the first quality she has that you ever resented. And wish she didn't have. You think she's better off without that kind of loyalty, but you know you're just bitter. We both know it.

But one day, you decide to just go. Get near. Try to hear the sound of her voice. Actually hear what's on her mind at that very moment. Maybe, even be close enough to know what perfume she's wearing. But you got more than that. A friend introduced you to her, and you got to be friends. You actually got to talk to her, and continued talking to her. Lucky you.

Or so you thought. You didn't see it coming did you?

I did. I saw it a mile away. But you were too happy. Too... ALIVE. I've never seen you like that. I was actually happy for you at that time. I even fooled myself into believing that you had a chance. Maybe you had a chance, and this might have a happy ending. Stupid me. It's a wonder how friendship can impair discretion. I wrote that down and put it on my wall, just in case it happens again.

You waited for the right moment to tell her. That moment came when they broke up, and she was crying on your shoulder, cursing the man you've always hated yet respected. Now she was in your arms. Now she was pouring her guts out to you. You've never seen her so messed up, but still you thought she was the most beautiful thing alive. She's beautiful, you thought. Now is the time.

Of course, we know what happened. You came rushing to me, and all the bad feelings i had about it came instantly rushing back. That was one of those rare times i wished my guts were wrong. And one of the rare times I've seen you bleed so bad. You didn't weep. You bled.

Even the slightest memory of her shattered you. You cut off all connections. No calls, no visits, nothing. Then one day, it finally came to you. While munching on potato chips, you say to me, She's impossible.

You never ever dared to get close again. Not only with her, but with every girl you met.

I know how miserable she made you, but I envy you. You had the guts to open yourself up, to free yourself of everything, and just concentrate on that one thing that mattered so much to you. You were capable of LOVE. You gave it your all. You loved her, and i know you still do. I know it will never go away, you can only hide it in some corner of your head.

There others out there. You just got stung. Hard. But I know the stars will make it up to you. You just have to open yourself up again. Let that old you out and be free, just as you once were. I want to see you that alive again. I never see you smile anymore.

To love like you did. It's a rare gift. Don't waste it. It's a gift that i can only wish i had.

2003-09-12T08:06:00.000-07:00

you will never ever find out the meaning of life so just live it!!! stupid asswipe...

2003-09-12T06:47:00.000-07:00

suck it up, ping! let's doh it! go go go!

im fucked. i just realized that ive been trying to finish this script for almost six months now, and im not even halfway thru. maybe i can blame it on the distractions, or trying to live a life. yeah, that's it. im trying to live a life, that's why it's taking so long. if i can just make this script my life, if i can obsess over this everyday, if i can get my own place and my own pc where no one- and i mean no one- will ever distract me, i can do this thing in 2 months, tops.

hay buwiset kasi dito sa bahay. the only time that i can really work is late night. and im talking about 1 am onwards. i get very little done while everybody's still awake, either watching tv or talking loudly on the phone. can't i just get my own room? of course i cant. you see? i dont even have that. i am so fucked.
i start around 1am, try to get the juices flowing. once i get into my rhythm, i take advantage of the little time i have cos after that, the juices start to dry and soon my head's as limp as an 80-year old dick. i need viagra. argh.

or methamphetamine. bwahahaha.

oh oh oh how i wish i could go to some beautiful countryside where there's cool climate and the grasses are green, then id smoke the grass. hahaha. seriously, i wish i could go to some faraway paradise where the birds and the trees are the only breathing things. just like in the movie "swimming pool", but minus the hot, skinny-dipping chick. you know how i can get when there are hot, skinny-dipping chicks. hahaha. labo. putangina.

i just had this crazy but doable idea. i'll go up to sagada all alone, and i'll stay there for a month, just concentrating on my script. heeeeh. of course, i wont be able to bring a laptop there (i heard there's no electricity, is it true?) so i'll be bringing two yellow pads, one for the script and one for the notes. i could wake up everyday, soak some sun, breathe fresh air (oh joy), have a light healthy breakfast, then go straight to writing! yihee! writing paradise! ahhh...

or maybe i should just do my writing the whole afternoon, which pretty much means goodbye to my internet life. or any kind of life. siguro nga. mukhang kailangan na. i can get busy in the afternoon, take a break, then resume at 12 pm. ah basta! i dont have my whole life for this!!! chase your inspiration!!! go go go!!!

2003-09-12T04:19:00.000-07:00

SYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET!!!! I HAVE A NEW STORY!!!!

i almost cried with excitement... tears wetting my eyes... woooh... i want to make love!!! somebody make love to me!!! bwahahaha this is fun...

2003-09-12T01:17:00.000-07:00

wah. im back. hehe.

hay naku. dami ko lang naiisip lately. e ayaw ko naman ilagay sa blog ko kasi masyadong personal. kaya matagal din nawala. ayun.

hay naku. i need to get things going for me. the script's in a slump, so now im thinking of doing two scripts simultaneously. hopefully, when i start getting burned with one script, i can continue with the other. and if i start getting burned with that one, i can go back to the other one. so on and so on.

but the problem is it'll take double the time to finish both, which is a really bad thing cos im predicting it'll take me at least a year. shucks.

2003-08-14T07:01:00.000-07:00

i need to concentrate.

i am concentrating.

better.

much better.

2003-08-12T13:49:00.000-07:00

don't want to dick around.

dipped my foot, found it too cold.

now im back to square one.

but hoping. but maybe.

maybe, there's someone out there for you.

really.

something like fate.

a little bit like destiny.

i want to believe.

make me believe, in the sheer foolishness of it all

i want to believe.

i need to.

i need to.

************

the harder you want, the harder you'll fall

listening to amel larrieux's "make me whole". how can something so beautiful be so depressing?

i hate songs like these. all they do is feed you impossible romantic notions. make you feel that you'll really find someone you can love. and the funny thing is, you know what bad things it can bring to you, but you still listen to it! now for the love of man, please tell me why im listening to this song. please tell me why im letting myself get these mushy feelings. please tell me, and i beg you, please tell me why im letting myself hope.

fave line ko: "sus, asa ka pa."

2003-08-11T09:17:00.000-07:00

berday ng sister ko ngayon! ü go shawty, itcha burtday, weh gonna pahteeh layk itcha bertday...

**********************

i wanna get high
i wanna get high
i wanna get high
i wanna get high

whoa-oh...

i wanna get high
i wanna get high
i wanna get high
i wanna get high

with you :)

i wanna get... hayyyy

2003-08-10T08:21:00.000-07:00

asteeeeeeg... NARDA RAAAAAAKKKKKKKKSSSSSSSS

cover ng 4th EP ng narda. si pong ignacio (budding photographer) ang kumuha niyan!

bili kayo! pa-picture kayo!

plug plug plug...

2003-08-09T01:52:00.000-07:00

the second and last portrait i did of her. got obssessed with her. long story. intended to give this to her but...

aso ko si kits!

wala lang gusto ko lang ipakita ang works ko. bigyan nyo ako ng compliments! bwahahahaha

2003-08-07T06:57:00.000-07:00

ambwiset ng blogger di ako makapublish....

title niyan eh...

HAHAHAHA! ANG PANGET MO PALA!

asteeeeeeeeeeeg...

toink toink toink...

GAGO!!! GAGO KA TALAGA!!!

hindi ko na alam kung anong ginagawa ko... pero ok lang. hay naku, ganito nga talaga siguro pag desperado ka nang lumigaya. nawawala ang pagiging idealist mo. nagiging kakaibang nilalang ka na. nagiging tao ka na.

ping, nagiging tao ka na.

matagal nakong tao, pero ngayon masasabi ko na ako ay ganap. isa na akong ganap na tao.

one word = irrational.

or capricious. or whimsical. whatever.

kung ano yung pinaka iniiwasan ko dati, dun din ako napunta. i am now capable of doing things without thinking. hurrah. tao na tlga ako.

pero ang ok sa pagiging tao naman eh masaya siya. masaya siya talaga kasi nalilibang ka. once you get into something, you get lost in it. parang drugs. nasa ibang mundo ka na. yun nga lang pareho rin ang nangyayari pagkatapos.

you feel the same. empty. devoid.

o baka ganun lang talaga. maybe im just meant to feel like this forever, and i just have to constantly keep myself busy with whatever i can get my hands on.

ewan puta. bahala na si batman. leche....

2003-08-04T11:56:00.000-07:00

hay naku. these past few days eh ako ay nababaliw. i did things that i would not have done years ago. (don't get any ideas. hindi yun.)

ang hirap talaga pag ikaw eh isang tao lamang. sapagkat tayo ay tao lamang, merong mga pangagailangan. pero ang problema eh hindi mo naman kaya i-satisfy ang pangangailangan. huway o huway? this is so cruel. ayoko na. sana eh mawala na ito at matutulog na lang ako ng mahimbing. tangina. cold bath?

magsasawa ka rin sa solo flight. ewan pero nakakasawa. lalo na pag alam mo na pwede namang hindi solo flight, so why settle? you want to quench your thirst. gatorade o tubig? caviar o pritong kamote? e di sympre gusto mo yung mas masarap diba? pero hindi mo kaya kasi mahirap na. masarap na mahirap... parang narinig ko na yun ah. saan ba yun...

so ngayon mamimili ka. you are fully aware of the bad, and you can only wonder about the good. sympre curious ka dun sa hindi mo alam. pero may kasabihian, curiosity killed the cat. hala, paktay na. with that in mind, gagawin mo pa ba? saka may isa pang kasabihan. the early bird gets the worm. wala lang. gusto ko lang sabihin.

so ngayon, mamimili ka na. talaga. totoo na toh. pero alam mo, kahit mamili ka ngayon, wala rin namang mangyayari. tignan na lang natin pag andun nako sa mismong situation. tignan natin. game knb? game ka na ba? GAME KUH NUH BUH????? hoy apol kasalanan mo toh, binanggit mo kasi si kris aquino sa blag mo eh. hehehehe

matutulog na lang ako. leche talaga ako. wala nang nagawang matino. sinong may baril? shotgun ah, para ala kurt cobain. joke. ano ako, tanga? anong ginagawa ng mga 30-storey buildings sa greenhills? duhbuh duhbuh....

***********

tried it. it was ok. nothing special. not addictive. not something you think about during your waking hours. it's like it just happened, and it's one of those things that will eventually turn into a faint memory. just a blurry sequence in your head. nothing special.

i still don't feel any better. in fact, it's getting worse. insatiable, that's what it is. can i have just one thing that i can be satisfied with? just one freaaaaaaking thing?????? fuck grrr asar ako putanginang yan!!!!!! isa lang please!!!!!!! kahit divine intervention ok lang!!!!!!!! deus ex machina sa storya ng buhay ko!!!!!!!kahit ano basta meron!!!!!!!!! wala akong paki kung paano!!!!!!!!!! taena ayoko na tlga...................................

coup d'etat

2003-07-28T22:32:00.000-07:00

COUP D'ETAT

i know it's a bit late, but what the heck. my two cents.

one thing i can say about the recent kudeta: stupid.

ok, maybe they did have purely good intentions, but did that really help? are we a changed nation? this will all be out of the filipino minds in a few weeks, just like the rest of the coup attempts in the past. it doesn't really do anything good. sure, they want to bring these issues to the public, but don't they think the people already know that? corruption, brutal murder, etc... tell us something we don't know.

sure, you want to raise awareness in the people, but you're doing it the wrong way. you stage a kudeta, and what did the filipinos do? they stayed home and watched the whole thing on their TV screens. if it got boring, they would occasionally flip to other channels, looking for something more entertaining. yes, entertaining. the whole thing was just another form of entertainment for the people. . . something in the ranks of common showbiz tsismis.

tsismis, as we all know, mixes voyeurism with entertainment. this was purely that. we wanted to know what will happen to them. will there be blood or will they surrender? will the president give in to their demands or will she crush them? will they detonate the bombs or are they just for scare? will jericho rosales end up with kristine hermosa or this other big-breasted bimbo? you get what i mean?

good intentions, wrong means. if they really wanted to make a difference, they should've done something more hands-on. something that will really spark the patriotism in filipinos. we became mere observers, and that's not what we need. they should've done something that will feel like a real, true, honest, genuine experience. something that will spark our empathy for the nation's people, and compel us to really do something about it. something that will turn our sentiments into action.

but of course, that wasn't what we got. what happened was we merely watched them on TV, just like the the way we watched richard gomez headbutt this fat guy. we became mere fucking spectators, obeservers, voyeurs. the sentiments of the magdalo group, whether honest or not (this is another story), will never stick to heads of the filipinos (fat chance). everything will turn into a faint memory, a faint headline on the frontpage. if your intentions are true, do something that will really help. we have enough of tsismis entertainment to go around.

2003-07-26T02:28:00.000-07:00

hehehe... inhibition. laboh.

ok. i haven't really felt like putting something on my blog... been having a rough week.

all i can say is that i can sure use a warm body beside me. preferably someone i find beautiful. and smells really good without perfume. and likes whispering to my ear. and likes listening to me. putaenanglechengkikinginangyan

2003-07-19T09:17:00.000-07:00

if i were to talk right now (which is not what i'm doing since i'm typing), this is what i would say.

i hope nobody ever reads this blog again. i hope i can die tomorrow so that i can laugh at you and pity you for still trying to live this life. a life that will go nowhere but here on this planet. nothing after this. you just die and that's it. sorry folks.

but then again, some of you may argue, who know really? maybe there is, maybe there isn't. and if you're the type who just gushes with optimism, then you'll probably choose to believe that there is an afterlife. there is a place after this. you choose that because it's what your most basic instinct tells you. i'm talking about the instinct to survive. it's like the eleventh and unspoken commandment. you like the idea of an afterlife, a soul, because you still want to go on living. you still want to survive. be it on this earth or some other place, you want to survive. the idea of "you", the idea of your existence is so so so important to you. it's all about survival baby. i repeat, from the words of some person, "religion is man's wish for immortality." but don't you listen to me folks. look who's happier now? don't listen to me. sometimes, it's better not to know some things. ok maybe you can listen, but not learn. it's like: it goes in your right ear, and goes out the other. swoosh.

********************************

i'm just rambling here anyway. and huwat??? it's a saturday night??? it's a saturday night and i'm here at home typing away at my blog. but just so you know, i chose to stay home. i could've gone on a drinking spree somewhere and just not care what my parents think. im decent like that. don't you just hate it sometimes. don't you just want to run and forget decency and forget what other people feel and just do what you want to do!!! run with the wind. run like the wind. do what you want to do. but of course, im "decent", so what the hey.

********************************

i dont know what i feel for my mom. too many things have happened, have been said. whenever i feel her presence, i just close up just like that. im just like a swimming pool. whenever she's around, all the water just drains from the pool. into the watchamacallit and poof! no more water. and i just wait for the moment she'll have to go somewhere. so she won't be around and i won't feel uncomfortable anymore. sama ko ba? am i making sense? now can o help it? can i change my attitude towards her? i dont know really. but if this is any indication, then there's probably a lot of work needed. if ever i do want to have an actual relationship with her. hay naku...

********************************

back in high school, i was talking to a friend on the phone. he told me, only two people he talked to ever made sense to him. it's this other guy, our batch valedictorian, and me. now that was a big compliment for me. i've always thought that most of the people i know can be very... irrationall? i don't really have a word for it, but you know what i mean. people can get very irrational. sometimes, they try to impress people, but they just end up saying what;s on their mind. and that's usually, that's not a very good idea. especially if you're talking about something that you know very little of. sometimes people tend to do that in order to feel good about themselves. they need to know everything. it's a good thing most of my friends aren't like that. well, most of them anyway.

********************************

as i've said before, sometimes you just want a warm body beside you. someone who will really say something back whenever you talk. someone who you can smell. what a wonderful smell. i could just smell her. smell her hair. smell her skin. i prefer the natural smell over perfume. and someone who is just there when you wake up in the morning. remember the movie "good will hunting"? it's starring matte damon and robin williams. one of the most memorable line there goes something like this... '... to wake up next to her, and be truly happy." ah basta. it something like that but i don't rememeber exactly. and i want to have children! i don't know. just the thought of having children makes me happy. to tell you the truth, whenever i watch shows or movies, i'm more swept up with the father-child scenes than with the girl-boy scenes. i don't know. there's just something about it. being a parent appeals more to me than being a boyfriend, or a lover. though i wouldn't mind being one in the near future. hehe. which brings me to sex. yes, there's not a day goes by that i don't think about sex. well, most of the time, it's about women and not really about sex. i just love women so much. there's just something about them. they're just the most beautiful creatures in the world.

********************************

she was there last night. she's still beautiful. although something seemed off. we did say to each other that nothing will change between us, but is that really possible? after all that's been said? is it really possible to be as we were before? anyway, it was good seeing her again. now i didn't expect to still feel anything for her, mind you. but when i saw her there, when i found out she was coming along, i just felt happy. i didn't really expect her to be there. when i found out she was going, i was plain happy. ok, now shoot me. what can i do. one of a kind. always glad to see her. one of the few people that meant a lot to me. bleah. but, it can never be. she's happy where she's at. better not disturb the peace. let her be happy. let her be.

ok. now i feel like crying. haha. it's funny how i can sound so detached while i'm writing this. i guess it comes with all the detaching i got so used to.

*********************************

ok. i just want you guys to know that this is just an experiment. nothing to take personally. i am drunk. as in intoxicated with alcohol. had some whisky, and i decided to do a little experiment with my blog. so no offense to anyone here, to those who actually took the time to read this post. this is nothing personal. whatever i said, i said it while i was drunk. was just having a little fun. but i did really mean what i said, so what the hey, if anybody has violent reactions, just go ahead! screw me, i'm going to die soon anyway. bring it on!!! let me hear it!!! hehe.

2003-07-18T21:58:00.000-07:00

Desire, the fifth of The Endless, yours is the
realm of lust, want, passion, and, of course,
desire. You tend to be selfish, only concerning
yourself with your own needs, and you have no
scruples about using your absolute draw over
the opposite sex to get your way. You love
being around people, because it's never long
before they give in to your will.

Which Endless are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

MWAHAHAHAHAHA

2003-07-18T11:03:00.000-07:00

tonight, my blog will keep me company.

hoy blog! alam mo ba, tonight is a good night. although im kinda sweating from the chain-smoking i did, i still feel good (not great, mind you). tonight, after a dose of external inspiration, i did good (not great, mind you) progress with my script. maybe it was after seeing my friends, and realizing how their lives are going somewhere. well, compared to mine, their lives seem to be going somewhere. i look at them, how they have things in order, and then i look at me, and i see the stupid old ping. so OUT with the stupid old, and IN with the wonderful new. i am a wonderful new ping. i am not rejuvenated. but i will rejuvenate myself. and im going to start by refraining from nicotine overdose (my fingers are kinda shaky now, not very cooperative with my keyboard. hehe.)

yes, i took one look at my friends, and i instantly realized how far behind i am. that's my external inspiration. now it might seem like bad inspiration, but IT IS inspiration. and at this point, im more than willing to take any kind of it, whether good or bad. kiss me, beybe. o yeah.

now i have to lie down. the nicotine got to my head. dazed, beybe. but it's all good.

2003-07-17T02:30:00.000-07:00

dahil ni-request ni beans... eto, i googled it and got it from purelyrics.com

Jeff Buckley
Grace (1994)
Last Goodbye

French part :
( Quoi ? qu'est ce que c'est ? / What ? what's this?
Qu'est ce que c'est piaf ? / What is piaf ?
Ah Paris ! Manger beaucoup le fromage ! / Ah Paris ! Eat a lot of cheese !
La la la la la last goodbye... )
This is our last goodbye
I hate to feel the love between us die
But it's over
Just hear this and then i'll go
You gave me more to live for
More than you'll ever know

This is our last embrace
Must I dream and always see your face
Why can't we overcome this wall
Well, maybe it's just because i didn't know you at all

Kiss me, please kiss me
But kiss me out of desire, babe, and not consolation
You know it makes me so angry 'cause i know that in time
I'll only make you cry, this is our last goodbye

Did you say 'no, this can't happen to me,'
And did you rush to the phone to call
Was there a voice unkind in the back of your mind
Saying maybe you didn't know him at all
You didn't know him at all, oh, you didn't know

Well, the bells out in the church tower chime
Burning clues into this heart of mine
Thinking so hard on her soft eyes and the memories
Offer signs that it's over... it's over

2003-07-16T05:59:00.000-07:00

it's fun to blog. to just release everything. here's some random shit which i wouldn't read if i were you.

yes, i am getting fat. but it's nothing that i can't handle. my metabolism still tip-top so a few weeks of watching my weight will do. just not now. im still comfortable being a fat pig.

regarding my script, i am still groping around in the dark. still trying to hit that spot. still a long way from completing it. and it sucks. it's a very frustrating feeling. it's doesn't feel good. but that's okay. i guess.

i had glimpse of what it's like to feel THAT. but i know it's all short-lived. cruel, fucking life. grrr. fuck me. but then again, it does feel good, even if i know it can't last. so i should be thankful for that, right? bah. in your dreams.

my throat's really itchy. that's what happens when you suddenly stop smoking, i guess. not a stick for three days. huwaw mami. i hate this dry cough. so itchy. so irritating. so... im whining now am i? yuck. yuck. yuck.

my friend asked me when my bday is. inuman daw kami. i didn't tell him. i said i dont want to celebrate. sabi niya, ulul mo. tapos kinulit ako. change topic na lang para makalimutan niya. hehe.

my throat's still itchy. my butt hurts. i should walk around for a while. or maybe i can rest on my right cheek now, then the left later. rightey.

i just thought about women, and surprisingly, i didn't want anything sexual to do with them. maybe it's because i have this thing right now. i think it's like that.

why does it feel SO GOOD to touch the person you're attracted to? i know no one can explain it, but im just thinking out loud here.

just to hold her hand feels so good. and just caressing her face, her neck, her arms. you just want to get your hands all over her. it feels so good to just rest your head on her thigh. and you caress it a little, so soft. why does it feel so good? why does the touch of another feel so good? and just the smell of her. i prefer the natural smell of a person over perfume or cologne. amoy tao mas ok kaysa amoy pabango. the smell just adds to everything. sarap na ewan. laboh.

sabi na nga ba sa ganyan din mapupunta utak ko eh... hehehe... ayos lang.

my fucking throat's so itchy. bleah bleah bleah......... tootblas muna ako.

2003-07-10T12:14:00.000-07:00

i don't want to have my birthday. i just want it to pass like any other day. the idea of celebrating my birth is something that i just find wrong. just dont like it. it's the day everybody's cautiously nice to you. it's the day where they cant get mad at you, maybe tomorrow. it's the day where everybody tries to be happy so that you'll remember this as a happy one. everybody's so trying to be happy for you. i just hate it. moreover, i cringe at the thought of feigning happiness for a whole day. la dee da, everything's fine and dandy. look at me, i'm the birthday boy. i am so happy. pfft.

i dont know. i just have this tendency to get more depressed than usual during my birthdays. i remember on my 8th birthday (i think), i just went out in the middle of everything and just sat on the sidewalk. out of nowhere i just wanted to get away from everybody, from the feel of it. and i remember more recent birthdays where i would feel depressed in the middle of everything. it's almost like a given. almost like it's supposed to happen everytime.

ok. maybe i just dont feel i have the right to be celebrated. i just dont feel i deserve it. i mean, what's there to celebrate? the fact that your son is worthless to you and is costing you money? or the fact that your son disappointed you by getting kicked out of college, and more disappointing is the fact that he doesn't want to go back? are those the things you want to celebrate about me? i dont want a celebration. i dont want it. if ever i do change my mind, i'll tell you. but i just dont think this is the right time to celebrate. im a nobody. my life is going nowhere. im not saying im hopeless, but wherever im going im still so far from it. i have nothing to celebrate about. it's all wrong. i dont even think i deserve a girlfriend.

to give you an idea of how much i hate the idea, just earlier, i was thinking about leaving home and going to the province for a few days-- all just to skip my birthday. i thought id turn off my cellphone, leave it at home, and then carry some money and some personal stuff. i'll leave couple of days before my birthday and leave a note that says "leaving for a few days, be back after my birthday" then id come back a day after my birthday, and voila, no more birthday. yey! or plan b, i could just tell my mom to just squeeze in my birthday with my kuya, since our birthdays are just 4 days apart. i can just say let's celebrate on kuya's birthday. but then again, id still have to celebrate it, although it wont be the same as celebrating it on my actual day. i dont know really.

****************************

jeff buckley's dead??? i just found out yesterday. sayang naman. anyway, here's some lyrics from "lover, you should've come over". if you want the rest just google it. okee???

Sometimes a man gets carried away, when he feels like he should be having his fun
And much too blind to see the damage he's done
Sometimes a man must awake to find that really, he has no-one

So i'll wait for you... and i'll burn
Will I ever see your sweet return
Oh will I ever learn

Oh lover, you should've come over
'Cause it's not too late

2003-07-07T05:58:00.000-07:00

ISANG ISTORYA

wala lang akong magawa. this has nothing to do with Caruso Santillan. this is just some random shit i came up with out of nowhere. i dont even remember how it STARTED. it just happened and everything surprisingly came into place. of course there's lots of room for improvement but what the hey, i'll post it anyway.

ATTENTION:
fictional piece up ahead. plagiarism is bad. though i wont sue, you will surely get a red-ass spanking from me. bad child.

There are no stars tonight.

She scanned the skies. No, nothing. Not a single one. The clouds are everywhere.

She sat back down, trying to figure out what just happened.

It seems that she woke up, got dressed and went out to see him. He was there, hunched up again on his favorite bench. She snuck up behind him, inching her way with a grin on her face. She even tripped and let out a soft yelp, but he didn't notice. She tip-toed further, then jumped in front of him with all her glee.

Happy birthday!

He didn't even look at her. He was sitting there like a stone. She waited for something. She was looking into his face, trying to find some hint of a smile. I don't have a present, but I figured I'd give you a surprise, she giggled. Still nothing. Her smile faded. Her glee was gone.

What’s wrong? It's your birthday, she said. Still nothing.

He’s not talking again, she thought. So she sat down beside him, trying to keep some distance between them. After all, she's disappointed. To even feel his skin next to hers was just too... infuriating. She wanted to walk out right then and there. What is wrong with him?

He turned his head to her. But he's not looking at her. His eyes fixed on the pavement and his head still trying to hide from her. He mumbled some things. What? Speak up? What's wrong?

She waited. The silence was long. She looked away, wondering how she has managed all this time with this boy. This crazy little boy, who gave her so much to live for.

She inched even further away, still disappointed. It's his birthday. She imagined sitting with him on this bench, soaking up the sun. She imagined they would walk up Connor's and they'd admire the evening sky. Buy some ice cream. Ride the boat. Laugh. Talk. Kiss. But this? She inched away some more. She's reached the other end of the bench, squeezing her thigh into the armrest. It hurts a bit, but she doesn't notice.

Then, he tilts his head towards her. She notices it and eagerly faces him. They stare into each other. No words. Her breathing stops, but still she doesn't notice. She doesn't care. All she can care about is this boy who wouldn't speak. She knew he had words, but he wouldn't speak. He just stared.

Then he moved closer to her. And closer. And close enough, that all she just wanted to hug him tight. She wanted to make it all go away so they could have their happiness for that day. But she didn't. What's wrong? Why won't you say something? Anything?

Still got no answer from him. He just looked into her, never taking his eyes off. He seemed to be looking for something. Waiting for something.

He moved his head closer. His mouth moved a bit, some faint sounds came out. His lips were so close to hers. She wanted to kiss him, just like they've done countless times before. She wanted to feel those warm lips. But she didn't.

He kissed her. She expected to get angry, but she forgot all that. She forgot everything and instead gave way. She felt it.

Gentle. Warm. Loving.

She knew how he kissed, but there was something very different this time.

Gentle. Warm. Loving.

And sad.

He parted from her lips. She looked at him. She wanted to ask him, but nothing came out. She didn't know what to ask.

Then he stood up, looked into her eyes.

Goodbye, he said. And he left.

She woke up from her thoughts. She was in her room again. It was dark, and she could only make out her bed in the moonlight. How she got there, she faintly remembers.

She walked to her bed. She hunched up on it and hugged her legs, just like he used to do it. She remembered how he could stay like that for hours, hunched up and just gazing at the stars. She looked out her window. The sky was all dark and blue. Then a soft twinkle caught her eye.

Ah, there's one. It's beautiful.

A cloud glided into view. She was admiring the single star, and now it was gone. Move cloud. move. She fixed her eyes on that same exact spot, trying hard not to blink.

Don't blink, she said to herself. Her eyes began to sting. Tears began to well up, and fell down her cheeks. Warm tears, streaming down.

Alas, she said.

The cloud isn't moving. There are no stars tonight.

2003-07-05T09:48:00.000-07:00

ATTENTION:
fictional piece up ahead. plagiarism is bad. though i wont sue, you will surely get a red-ass spanking from me. bad child.

"what were you thinking?"

that was the first thing Papa said when he saw, well, what used to be my eyebrows.

manong tony from the barber shop suggested it to me, after i complained that everyone thinks my eyebrows are too thin. sparse, Kuya even said. so manong tony said, your eyebrows are just like your pubic hair. if you shave them, they become thicker and thicker.

so what was i supposed to do? i couldn't just let my destiny pass, just because my eyebrows are too thin. how's that going to look on the screen, when you can see my mouth, nose, ears, eyes, and what? no eyebrows? just like that over-acting guy on Tabing Ilog, Fonzy or something. bad actor, no eyebrows. i am a great actor, and i will have my eyebrows back. manong tony said, in about a month, i should have my eyebrows back twice as thick. he'd better be right or im going to shave whatever's left of his shiny, bald head.

"what were you thinking?"

that was the second thing Papa said, even after the explanation i gave him. and this time, i told him i need this. i need this if i want to make it big. look at Piolo Pascual. Diether Ocampo. Jericho Rosales. they all have eyebrows. once i get my eyebrows, they'll be saying Piolo who? Diether who? Jericho who? and they'll be screaming my name. Caruso Santillan. what a beautiful name. i picked it myself. i figured i should have my own screen name too.

"bakla ka ba?"

now that's just not fair, Papa. first of all, it wouldnt be fair to me. i just shaved some hair off my face, and you accuse me of being gay? second, just think of all the ladies who will get their hearts broken. of course im not gay. it would be just too unfair to the ladies. and showbusiness has too much of them people.

of course, the whole time Papa just gave me his blank look. it's his signature look, he never faces me without it. then he finally turned around and left. he was even shaking his head when he walked away. well, he'll never understand. this is my destiny. i am meant for this. just the other day, i was talking to a classmate of mine. turns out his brother's classmate has a tito whose boss knows someone who works as a talent scout. now is that a sign or what? but i dont need signs. i know it's going to happen. that's how it works. it's my destiny, and it will happen.

***********

that's my main character, Caruso Santillan. the name's not final yet, and that's only one side of him. actually everything's not final yet and everything is open to revision. i just wanted to make a more or less accurate character attitude. he'll probably sound more toned down in the screenplay. less wordy.

hindi pa rin tapos ang script ko!

2003-06-30T22:50:00.000-07:00

oh yeah. life sucks. here i am with another story about "the one who got away". shoot. that makes it two now. so it should be the "the two who got away". ho-hum.

my dear friend. i know you'll probably never get to read this (unless some unknowing friend of ours leads you to my blog). but if you do, you know that it's you im talking about.

you are such a good person. after what happened, you worry about me, about my feelings. you worry about our friendship, because you dont want to lose it. well i dont want to lose it too, and you dont have to worry about me. i have a very short attention span. when im doing sutff, i can easily get distracted. i abuse the unlimited internet access. i write my script, occasionally (darn dsl connection). i play my guitar and sing to it, though sometimes it causes me to remember you (hmm). i watch movies, mostly on tv. i cook. i eat a lot. i sleep. i do a lot of things to keep me from thinking about things i shouldn't think about. out of sight, out of mind. it works for me.

well, ok ok. yes, somewhere in between doing those things, you suddenly pop up in my head. now can i help it? im doing the best i can you know. whenever i think about you, i dont think about what happened. i think about what could've happened. i think about what SHOULD HAVE happened. what if i did something? what if i had talked to you soon enough about that night? what if i had told you EVERYTHING before that guy came along? now i could start calling you up everyday, text you everyday, visit you in school, take you out on dates, just to get my answers to those questions. after all, he's not officially your boyfriend right?

but of course, i won't. i know that would cause you so much confusion. i know you're happy with the way things are with your guy. and me getting in the picture will make things harder for you. and you dont deserve it. you so dont deserve to have things harder.

you're a strong woman. you've been through a lot. and most of the time you kept a lot of those problems to yourself. why you didnt share it with me, i have no idea. but i can just imagine what you had to go through. so no, you dont deserve to have things harder for you. you deserve the peace that you're having now. you deserve the happiness you have right now. and you should stop worrying about screwing things up ok? this is a good thing you have, dont be afraid to screw it up and just live it! you deserve it so much.

so there you have it. i am officially out of the picture. i know you wont text me, or call me, cause i told you not to. which is good. just let me do the calling and texting. besides i never called you a lot or texted you everyday, so there's not much difference. basta, you just stay put there, enjoy everything, and i'll deal with myself, all by myself. everything will be fine with me. you need not worry about me. i love you, my dear friend.

2003-06-30T09:02:00.000-07:00

for you, my dear friend

yeah. yeah. ok. ok.

IT IS MY FAULT. why i didnt do anything, after all this time. why i couldnt talk to you after IT happened. i liked you a lot even before. you're smart. you made a lot of sense talking to. you're a very good listener, which is as rare as me having a happy day. you have a great understanding of people, of humans. and you have a deep love for them, which is again, rare. you are so many great things. so many great things...

when we talk, you would really talk to me. ive always felt that great connection. you shared your thoughts. your intimate thoughts that very few people would ever get to hear. you shared it with me, and that made it special. special thoughts, from the special person in my life.

YOU ARE the best person ive ever met. you're the only real thing that came my way. the only person who's ever touched me in any way. you're great. beyond words. beyond comprehension. and that's exactly because you are real. IVE NEVER HAD ANYTHING AS REAL AS YOU.

but why didnt i do anything? ive known you for what? over two years? so after all that time, i still didn't do anything. now how the hell did that happen?

well, i dont know really. at that time, i thought it wouldn't be right. you being my friend and all. there was just too much at risk. actually, i really dont know why. maybe i wanted different things at that time too. maybe i thought you weren't what i wanted... why does this sound so fucking familiar????

you know what, maybe you had something to do with what happened to my recent relationship. i dont know. maybe at the back of my head, i was still looking for you. or at least someone like you. well, now that ive realized that, i can consciously look for someone like you. someone i can compare to you.

just kidding. i know you wouldn't like that and that would make you uncomfortable. ok ok ok, half-kidding. jokes are half-meant right?

hay naku. so now it's too late cos you have this guy now. even if i haven't met him, i know he's a great guy. and how do i know that? you like the guy, you think he's great, you said so yourself. and knowing you, you'll never go for anything less than great. too bad i wasnt great for you.

okay, no self-pity crap ping. it doesnt suit you.

but really. sayang talaga. sayang, im not great for you. sayang, you just got carried away, and there was really nothing special there. but i still think you're great. that will never change. you will still be my friend. my closest friend, even if i dont get to talk to you that much. you will always have that special place, seat always warmed up, waiting for you to sit on anytime you want.

anytime you want. for you, my dear friend.

2003-06-29T03:07:00.000-07:00

well waddya know.. it's been a while! i've been busy mostly with my granparents 50th anniversary, which climaxed last night. and boy was i drunk. and my tito and tita was drunk. hahahahahhh

anyhoo, nothing new from my side. just this sense of urgency i've been getting everyday. i mean, my script is going nowhere, and that goes the same with my life. for goolah's sake im turning 20 a month from now! i made a promise to myself that if i turn 23 and im still not a filmmaker (at least), i'd kll myself. i'd rather have that than be like this for years. and i sure. am. not. going to settle for anything else. im not going to slink back to the safe havens of student life. yes, it's definitely more comfortable when you have something as sure as your education but i am telling you, that's not what i want. this is what i want. and if i don't get it, then fuck, i'm screwed. and not to mention, dead. literally dead.

i was supposed to take up UP Theater Arts, was supposed to start out with the certificate course then go for the degree. but guess what? i decided to be a filmmaker. and taking up TA won't exactly help you get there.

[=============]

i talked to her a few days ago (no, not my ex). everything just kinda surfaced... i didnt't really plan to say anything about it... it's probably the what.. the what, i don't know. it even surprised me, i don't know what took over me... so i told her.. EVERYTHING... and it didn't turn out very well for me... howell... she's still my friend... and i'll always love her... in whichever way...

2003-06-24T00:50:00.000-07:00

can you believe? wala nakong gerlpren..

yes, just hours away from being two weeks into it, we decided to break up. a mutual, amicable break-up... it could not have been any better.

we talked about it very casually. saying what we've been thinking for the past few days... turns out we were having the same thoughts, same doubts. we thought we just got carried away, and it wont work out, and there are other people who will fit us better. we were thinking the same things, and you cant break up any better than that.

though it's a bit disappointing that it wasn't so, i guess im ok with it. i had fun while it lasted, and i learned this thing and that thing. it was a good experience, and we both will never regret it.

thanks to you. for the laughs, the words, for everything. i hope we find what we're looking for. üüü

at hindi mo na kailangang matakot sakin.. haha ;p ;p ;p

2003-06-18T10:07:00.000-07:00
plug plug..

if you love bands and you love watching gigs, check out pong ignacio's gig pics! sample lang yung nasa baba..

WOOHOO! HOT MO KATWO!!! grar,.,.,.,.

WOOHOO! ANG HOT MO RIN JOREL!!! \m/

URBAN DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAB!!! DUB DUB DUB...

CONRAD PA-OTTOGRAP!!!

SUGARFREEeeeeeeeeee

for more pics, just click HERE.

NAIIYAK AKO PONG! NATUTUPAD NA ANG PANGARAP MOH!! sex tayo pag professional rakstar potograper ka na ah.. hehehe

2003-06-17T01:32:00.000-07:00
GIG NG FRIEND KO MAMAYA SA KAFE!!! NUOD KAYO!!!

they're called GEEK SYNDROME (paging.. bigyan niyo sila ng bagong name.. hehe) and they cover songs from A Starting Line.. hindi niyo alam yun noh! olats kayo! hehehe bsta may pagka emo punk na ewan basta ok sila! tapos may mga compo na rin sila.. tapos andun rin ang BOY ELROY na banda rin ng friend ko.. punk rin sila at mostly compos.. asteeg! nuod kayo ngayong gabi!

nyak as if may manunuod ng school day.. pero punta na rin kayo! Kafe is along katipunan sa tapat ng ateneo.. bsta pagkalampas niyo ng KFC stay right na kayo at makikita niyo yung sign ng KAFE, ang laki laki! bsta kung kelangan niyo ng landmarks yun na yun.. rakon!!!! \m/

laboh ng plug ko ang late na sobra...

2003-06-16T02:02:00.000-07:00

hehehe ang kyot kyot tlga ni barbie.. BAKIT KA TIBOH?!?! WHY O WHY?!?!?!?!?!?! D E L I L A H...

ANG KISSABLE PA NAMAN NG LEPSH MOh!!!! KISSABLE LEPSH!!! wahahaha

ang cute ng picture noh? dami pa yan sa (plug fast approaching) site nila.. visit niyo ang malupit na site nila!

Schedule for the month of June

June 07 - San Miguel, El Pueblo
June 10 - Radio Tour
June 13 - SM Southmall (late afternoon)
June 13 - Padis Point, Las Piñas
June 14 - San Miguel, El Pueblo
June 18 - Sanctum
June 19 - SM Manila (late afternoon)
June 20 - SM North Edsa (late afternoon)
June 20 - Culture Club
June 21 - San Miguel, El Pueblo
June 28 - SM Pampanga (late afternoon)
June 30 - I Cube

Schedule is subject to change without prior notice.
For inquiries regarding schedule please contact Webmaster.

For help on venue locations go to ClickTheCity.

2003-06-14T01:25:00.000-07:00
ngayong umaga, may nakita akong left-over paella sa fridge.. so ang ginawa ko ay ininit ko sya sa kalan.. pero naiinip ako kasi ang bagal uminit so nilagyan ko ng "konting" tubig.. hmmmmm may mali ata akong nagawa kasi nagmistulang paella de lugaw ang lumabas.. hehehe di nman siguro ganun... pero siguro kung ikaw ay nasa kindergarten pa eh mapapagkamalan mo siyang paste na pwedeng gamitin sa project mo sa school.. paste na hinaluan ng tahong, hipon, clams... hehehe

so the moral op da story? KANIN + TUBIG = LUGAW not PAELLA ... rock on!

ay ay ay merong nga pala akong i-share na recipe sa inyo.. well hindi naman siya dish pero ang tawag ko sa kanya ay MOZARELLA De BOLA.. hehe weird ba? bsta ang gagawin mo lang eh kukuha ka ng quezo de bola (as in yung quezo na kinakain natin tuwing pasko).. at ilalagay mo siya sa microwave..

at ang lalabas? quezo na parang mozarella ang texture pero ang flavor ng quezo ay na-enhance... wag moko tanungin kung paano nangyari yun basta kumain ka na lang! hehehe

ang ginagawa ko eh maglalagay ako ng mga two tablespoons (naks how cool-inary) ng sliced quezo de bola at ilalagay ko sya sa 400W sa microwave for about one minute.. careful lang kayo na wag siya masyado sunugin kasi tumitigas siya pag ganun.. dapat tamang tama lang para malambot pa ang texture niya.. ok? basta i-try niyo na lang! masarap yunnnnnnnnnnn

2003-06-10T09:21:00.000-07:00
alam niyo ba apat na araw nakong hindi nag-rerelease? ganito pala ang may gerlpren.. bwahahaha

2003-06-09T09:38:00.000-07:00
can you believe? may gerlpren nako! hehehe

hindi ako sanay hindi ako sanay hindi ako sanay.. weird..

imagine, 4 years 11 months and 2 weeks nako walang gf.. 4 YEARS 11 MONTHS 2 WEEKS!!! sanay na sanay ako sa buhay walang "duties to the kumander"... well hindi naman siya demanding, pero sanay ako na walang inaatupag masyado.. tapos ngayon tapos ngayon... weird tlga.. and happy of course ü

masaya tlga.. i was with her today.. with a friend of ours, third wheel siya (hahaha sorry bits).. nag libot lang kami sa mall kung saang saang stores kami pumunta tumitingin ng clothes, toys, kumain, binigyan ko pa siya ng masahe kela bits.. magaling daw ako magmasahe! aba aba nakachamba lang siguro ako kasi wala naman tlga akong alam haha

so ganun.. i guess it hasnt sunk in yet.. kasi sobrang bilis namin, walang courtship.. dati ko pa siya kakilala, pero di pa tlga kami naguusap nun.. then we just spent one night at her house with some friends, at nag sariilng mundo kami... nandun kami sa may bubong, nakaupo sa bintana, and we talked and sat close together until the sun came up... then two days later, BAM! we just decided to give it a try.. ganun lang ka-simple ü

hmmm siguro kaya ganun kasi sobrang open namin sa isa't isa... tlgang kahit ano pinagusapan namin, naging open kami agad in just one night.. galing noh? and i was attracted to her and i really liked talking to her.. basta sobrang comfortable namin sa isa't isa.. saka yung timing rin siguro.. saka pareho kaming weirdong sabog na ewan.. like two freaks finding each other for some freaky reason hahaha

i just hope i dont screw this up.. ive always felt there was something wrong with me.. and i have this really sneaky fear that something will go wrong.. wag naman sana diba.. there i go again, bad thoughts ping... well, ive already mentioned this to her.. that im afraid that something will go wrong and i'll end up hurting her.. she doesn't deserve that.. hay pero sabi rin niya we'll just go with it and see where it leads us.. which i second ü tama tama tama

nakakatawa, bago kami mag-meet naglalakad ako tapos nakakita ako ng cute.. tapos naisip ko, hoy may gerlpren ka na! hahaha kasi sanay lang ako na tumingin lang ng tumingin na wala namang pakielam bsta maganda nakikita ko hehe.. eh ngayon iba na.. ayus lang no prob sanayan lang yan wahahaha.. saka hanggang tingin lang naman diba.. as in GLANCE lang.. tipong uy cute yun ah, tapos tanggal na agad sa radar.. hahaha asteeg

hindi pa rin ako sanay... 9 ang monthsary namin.. woohoo may monthsary nako! next month! hahaha

2003-06-07T23:07:00.000-07:00
QUIZZES GALORE ULIT!!!

WHAT TYPE OF WILD CREATURE ARE YOU? (New Pictures!)
brought to you by Quizilla

nyak.. asteeg

You are "Hedwig and the Angry Inch". You
lead a glitzy life and love being in the
spotlight, no matter how many people might try
booing you off the stage. Keep your head high
and things will all fall into place.

mwahahaha

Exhibitionist movie! You'd get off on letting
ANYONE and EVERYONE watch you have sex...even
small children, you sick sonofabitch! Kinky is
your middle name.

What kind of porno would you star in?
brought to you by Quizilla

MWAHAHAHA

Red:
Aren't you the romantic? Life is poetic. If you
don't already, write poetry, you're good at it.

Made by
Sara

What color do you see the world in?
brought to you by Quizilla

right..

You come from Dark Water. You are solitary and
find peace in yourself, or maybe you're
turmoiled but pull off peace.

Where Did Your Soul Originate?
brought to you by Quizilla

hmmmm..

2003-06-07T22:36:00.000-07:00
URBAN DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUBBBBB!!!!!

putek yan muntik na namin ma-meet ang urban dub kagabi!! muntik lang!! hehe groupies pero ayos lang haha.. pero na-meet namin yung drummer hasteeg nahihiya pa siya kasi tinatawag siyang urban RUB (as in rubbing elbows with someone famous) hehehe ang kulit tapos tawa tawa lang siya ang bait niya hehe.. URBAN DDDAAAAABBB may gigs pa sila next week asteeg!! nuod tayo sa KAFE!!! saka lupet nila nag-encore pa sila kagabi.. ang kulit nag bibisaya pa yung vocalist tapos may mga bisaya pala sa crowd tapos nagsasalita sila ng bisaya.. ano ba yan gusto ko matuto ng bisaya.. hehe.. sayang dito lang sila for a while.. babalik rin sila uli sa cebu, where they're based..

putek isa pang malupit!! sumunod ako sa isang house party kaya lang na-miss ko ang narda (sorry katwo) pero naabutan ko ang imago.. hasteeeeeeeg!!! sobrang sarap na trip ng tugtog ng imago ang saya saya saya.. ang cute pa ni aia hehe.. imago idol!!! idol ko tlga kayo ang galing niyo!! mahal ko si zack!! ang cute mo!!! hehehe hay ang sarap sarap... grabe nag-trip ako nung buong set nakatayo lang ako mag-isa sa may gitna tapos trip out trip out lang ako... woohooo sa uulitin!!

hasteeeg

2003-06-07T02:06:00.000-07:00
i... am... happy..

no i am not happy, i am fing medina, anak ako ng tatay ko...

i.. feel.. happy..

there, much better ü ü ü ü ü ü ü ü ü ü

2003-06-05T11:30:00.000-07:00
hay grabe na toh inaantok nako sobra.. pero ligo pako nyak

sabog sabog sabog.. buti nakakapag tayp pako.. shet bat ko ba nilalabanan antok ko.. ah ok kasi maliligo pako.. hayus

sobra sabog sabog sabog tas pag naligo ako biglang di nako makakatulog hayus yahn..

ang kulit sumasakit na ulo ko..

listening to love song for no one.. fave ko tlga yung last two lines.. wonder why?

you'll be so good
you'll be so good for me

ok ok ok..

grar..

walang kwenta grar ko walang kalibog libog.. sus

sabog sabog sabog.. yan mainit na tubig ko..

2003-06-03T07:47:00.000-07:00
i just saw kristine hermosa's butter commerical.. first time i saw it..

POOTAH!! ANG HOT NIYA!!! tapos ganun pa yung suot niya.. waaaaah grabe yummy yummy.. naka-shorts pa na maiksi talaga, tapos kitang-kita mo yung curves niya dahil dun sa tight blouse niya.. waaaaaaah ayoko naaah

too bad that's the only thing she ever will be.. in about 20 years wala na.. nyak ang sama ko... howell.. pero malay mo nga malabas niya yung acting talents niya.. baka kailangan lang niya ng magaling na director na mapapa-arte siya.. hmmm di bale malapit nako maging direktor.. mwahahaha

kilala niyo ba si zhang yimou? siya yung director ng "hero" and one of china's best directors... dati may affair siya with gong li, yung sobrang gandang chinese actress, tapos nung ginawa niya yung "the road home" with zhang ziyi, they were rumored too.. so in short, si zhang yimou notorious for having affairs with his leading actresses.. are you tinking huwat aym tinking??? mwahahaha

labo shet..

but in fairness to kristine hermosa, i think she has the potential.. yun nga lng hindi niya mahahasa ang acting chops nya dun sa soap operas saka sa mga ginagawa niyang movies.. kailangan niya ng magandang project.. kasi bankable na naman siya eh, bigyan mo lang ng magandang project yun saka magaling na direktor eh siguradong success(!) siya.. yung nga lang ang problema eh saan makakahanap ng magandang project at ng magaling na direktor.. bwahahaha

2003-06-03T01:52:00.000-07:00
TESTS GALORE!

Disorder Rating
Paranoid: Low
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: Low
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Low
Histrionic: Low
Narcissistic: Low
Avoidant: Low
Dependent: Low
Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate

-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

wow ang korni ng results ah.. ano ako, automaton? lechs.. walang kalibog libog yung results ko lechs.. hehe

You are an IDEALISTIC VIRGIN.

dont know if this for girls only but what the heck..

Cocaine.

WTF?

You should be a Sagittarius, your Independent,
honest, optimistic, and good-humored, but you
can be rebellious, irresponsible, and sometimes
a little careless.

hmmmm..

bondage

what the fuck?!?!

well this just proves you dont need tests to know yourself.. but they are a bit fun

2003-06-02T01:57:00.000-07:00
i love kids.. lumabas ako para bilhin si mr. winston tapos nung pauwi nako lumapit tong tatlong chikiting sakin na naglalaro sa daan.. dyan lang sila nakatira sa may shanties lang malapit samin..

bata1: manong, manong, anong pangalan mo?
ako: bakit mo tinatanong?
bata1: kilala mo ba nanay ko?
ako: (kilala ko mom niya, help namin dati si ate nora) kilala ko.. bakit?
bata2 (sis ni bata 1): sige nga sino..
ako: kilala ko..
bata1: sino nga?
ako:si nora..
bata1:ah galing ah..
bata3: manong, may bola ba kayo dyan.. pahiram naman..
ako: wala eh malambot na..
bata2: manong, ano bang pangalan mo?
bata1: kamukha mo tlga si pen..
ako: ah tlga..
bata2: ano bang pangalan mo..
ako: ping
bata1: pin?
ako: pinggoy.
bata1: ah pinggoy..
ako: ano mga pangalan niyo?

there you go, my three new friends, resty, renzo and pudong.. kulit ng pangalan haha

2003-06-01T12:50:00.000-07:00
HAY NAKU KABOBOHAN

the one who got away... BASAHIN NIYO TOH AT WAG GAYAHIN!!!

her name is Karen Uy (anybody reading this?). met her while in hiskul (when we were around 15, so it's four years ago). she was going to st. scho. manila, ako naman san beda.

i saw her in a soiree. i thought she was cute, petite, had a crush on her, but i didn't exactly try hook up with her right then and there because she was in the other class.. it's hard and i was young,.. give... me... a... break.:D

after, i was talking to a friend of mine from the soiree, and she said that a classmate of hers needed a date, and asked if i was willing to go with her. i said yes, and to my surprise and delight, she turned out to be Karen. so she gave me Karen's number, i called her up and we talked. this was about three weeks before the dance.

so i was calling her up almost everyday. turns out she was the class brain (she's now in UP manila taking up some premed course). she was really fun to talk to. we laughed a lot (mababaw kasi siya eh wehehehe). gawd gawd gawd what a cute laugh. she loves rock music, but she wasn't exactly a rocker, she just loved it. and she is so nice. and so smart. and when you talk to her, she just makes sense. she just does. and i have a tenacious radar for spotting "fake" people and i am telling you, she's a hundred percent real. she's one of those rare and genuine "real" people. and she's so open-minded. so great. talk about brains, beauty and personality. EVERYTHING. the whole deal, the whole dang package.

now if only i realized how great she is early enough. but i'm getting ahead of myself so anyway, here comes the sh!tty part.

well i was young. at that time, i didn't exactly know what i want. and i was still looking for other things. things other than what she was or had. i was interested in her but i wasn't THAT interested. we just talked on the phone, went to the dance, had a great time, talked on the phone some more, saw each other sometimes, but i wasn't courting her. though i did tell her that i liked her, and she told me she liked me too (yes, the term MU comes to mind).. and there was even this super guy who was courting her, which didnt bother me at all.. so nothing very special going on..

then some hand of something intervened, and the phoneline that she uses got messed up, so we couldn't talk (di pa uso text). and at the same time, the super guy who courting was a friend of her brother, so he would go everyday to Karen's house, see her, woo her and everything, but i was still ok with that. after all i didn't really like Karen that much (stupid) so i wasn't really bothered that we didn't get to talk for months. or that the guy was there with Karen almost everyday. but we did know each other's emails so we would email sometimes, and that's it.

then one night i was talking to our mutual friend. by this time, Karen was almost like a faint memory. so we talked about Karen and told me that she and that guy hooked up. for real.

my heart sank. i suddenly had this heavy feeling in my chest that i've never really had before. like i swallowed a whole cow or something. it's just so heavy, heavy, heavy. so i decided to confirm this with Karen herself.

so i emailed her (i didnt know if her phone was working already, but it doesn't matter cos i didn't have what it takes to ask her on the phone). i asked her if it was true. yes, for some time now. my heart sank even more.

then without thinking, i started writing this long email to her, saying how stupid i am for not realizing soon enough, how great she is and i never really saw that. basta basically about how stupid i was for letting her past me. binuhos ko talaga lahat yun sa kanya. everything. i've never done that before. para pakong ogags cos i was saying sorry for no particular reason. it was just one of those moments on your life when you try to make sense by not making sense. go figure.

she emailed back. said she never thought it was like that. she was really nice about it. really sensitive about what i was feeling.

so ganun lang. last time i heard from her, sila pa rin, but she's still not fully satisfied with her bf. ewan kung sila pa. kung sila pa mga four years na sila siguro. saka ngayon she's in UPM he's in CSB. ayus ang saya ako dito sa qc.

and i guess, i felt for her. i can't say if i fell in love but i felt a lot for her. just wasn't smart enough to realize it in time.

kung ngayon ko siya na meet. i would hold her tight and never let go of her. she'd be perfect for me right now, especially now that i'm having an extra difficult time finding the right girl for me. if i met her now, i'd know she's the RIGHT ONE. and i would know exactly what to do.

hmmmm i wonder, sila pa kaya?

wehehehehehe

2003-06-01T12:36:00.000-07:00
some kind of bull i did for some thread.. read if you like yawning

if there's one constant thing among us human beings, it's our ego.

there's this true story. somewhere in the philippines, just a few weeks ago, two men were having some drinks, talking about stuff. they happened to talk about the war in iraq, and they got into a heated argument about the validity of the war.

who won the argument? the pro-war guy. and how did he win? by putting a few bullet holes in the other guy's chest.

so why did the guy use lead to win the argument? because he thought he was infallible and the other guy was sh!t, dirt, nothing. and why did he think that way? because his ego made him. his ego took over, could not tolerate that somebody was opposing him, could not take that he was wrong, could not take that the other guy was right. but of course this is just an extreme example of the human ego's nature.

so for me, the ego is all about wanting to be acknowledged, wanting to feel cool, wanting to be looked up to, wanting to be respected, wanting to be heard, and things to that effect. to better understand, i suggest you ponder on these simple and specific questions. but of course you don't have to, it's just something like a supplement.

BE HONEST.

do you feel "insulted" when someone tells you they're right, and you're completely wrong? did you feel dejected/irate when you got turned down on the grounds that you're not "good enough for the job"? do you feel bad when people call you fat, ugly, short, etc.?

on the other hand, do you feel good when people say to you that you make so much sense and you're so smart? did you feel good when the work that you did got high commendations from your superior, or you professor? do you feel good about yourself when people tell you that you have a nice shirt on, or you're looking really slim and healthy, or you seem to be glowing?

also, a lot of things stem from the existence of the human ego. things like narrow-mindedness, pride, low self-esteem, no self-confidence, jealousy, envy, iiritability, anger, disappointment, etc. etc. stem from the human ego itself, directly or indirectly. without the human ego, do you think those things would've existed?

it's all about the human ego. human life is all about the human ego, if you really try to think about it.

but that's my take on the whole subject. and you must have your own.

so i ask you this, what is the human ego all about to you?

2003-06-01T12:33:00.000-07:00
no matter how you look at it, looks do matter in this world.. even when i tried to fight it, di pa rin tlga.. looks matter.. the attractive ones get the most attention.. people never forget their names... people often find themselves curious about them.. and the not-so-attractive are thrown somewhere out of their heads.. it's sad, and (not but) it's true..

2003-06-01T11:30:00.000-07:00
waaah di ako makapagsulat.. wala yung alter ego ko ngayon ah, si sergeant ping.. kulit baka masyado akong pagod ngayon.. di naman pagod.. i just feel tired but im not really tired.. feel tired of this life.. parang na bale wala tuloy skinny-dipping ko agad, im back in my cramped up box..

sus grabe naman toh... lechs.. i've been reading this girl's journal.. naaliw ako... errrrrrr i want her... haha labo.. ang aliw lang

hay my blog.. i dont know if you're therapy for me, or something that makes me see my life as something more depressing than it really is.. hindi therapy ka nga.. even when i never had you, i've always felt depressed, for who knows why.. smoking kilikiling pating... i dont know what im talking about.. im not tired but i feel tired.. this is one of those times when you just want to fall asleep and never wake up.. forever in you dreamland, smoking pot and sitting back.. shooshmariosep

2003-06-01T11:22:00.000-07:00
ISANG KANTANG LATIN

gawd ayaw lumabas ng archives ko.. kahit kailan tlga wala akong alam sa html..

it's 2 in the morning.. shet ganda ng song biglang akong na kalma.. some soft, latin song.. ang lamig ng boses nung guy kakabakla.. kelangan ko makuha title nito sa kuya ko cd niya toh eh.. ang saya saya guitars lang tapos guy then girl vocals.. hum hum hum girl from Ipanima something.. basta di ko maintindihan eh..

putek yan 11:30 ako nagising.. pag gising ko akala ko makakapagsulat ako sa baba pero may inuman pala.. ang ingay tapos nakakairita sounds nila.. di lang bagay sa mood ko hehe pero ok tong kanta na toh ngayon... sarap sarap sarap.. pang love-making hahaha

nakausap ko si jill kanina.. sorry jill istorbo kita ah.. ü

o ayan may sax na.. may piano solo pa.. asteeeg saya nito..

ayan tapos na..

2003-06-01T04:33:00.000-07:00
CREATE SOMETHING OUT OF NOTHING

create create create create

freeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaakiiiiiiiiNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGG

yey bench inuman sa friday! yahoo!

2003-06-01T00:29:00.000-07:00
WHO WANTS TO GO SKINNY-DIPPING?

skinny-dipping tayuuuuuuuuuuu!!!

ang saya saya... last night was tanya's 19th birthday purteeeeee and we got really drunk! hehehe

it was fun, getting drunk again with your friends.. i rarely do that so whenever i do i try to make it as much fun as possible.. but we had to go fetch and drive home denden's dad so a precious two hours of drunk time was stolen.. two hours din yun! hehe

ayun lasheng na lasheng na kami.. ininom namin san mig light, then tequila rose, then gin!! hindi kami nag doobs for some reason pero happy beerday tanya!! hehe tapos mga 4 am na, sabi ni tanya gusto daw niya pumunta dun sa pool sa may townhouse nila (yes, aside from their beautiful 10 million something home, they have a townhome nearby for god knows what).. tapos sabi niya skinny-dipping daw sila dun ng friend niya dati.. eh di siympre naisip ko, why not!! tara!! hehehe

kami ni denden, myk, jeff & hazl, me, and tanya, drive kami dun, with a few beers and smokes, at wala kaming dalang extra na damit na kahit ano! kahit towel wala hehehe ang saya.. so ayun punta kami dun, dipped our feet in.. eh gusto ko nang mag skinny-dip, so naghubad nako ng pants saka shirt at naka boxers na lang ako.. tapos gumaya na yung boys, pero yung girls hindi kasi shy pa sila ahehehehe tapos sinsabi nila pag may naunang mag skinny susunod daw sila.. eh di sige sabi ko game, but i made them promise first hehehe...

so naka boxers lang kami, tapos tinulak ni jeff si myk sa pool!! hahaha basang basa si gago, lahat kami tawa ng tawa, lalo na si myk hahaha.. tapos umakyat si myk, tapos pumunta sa likod ko tapos tinulak naman ako! hehe di masyado nabasa yung undies ko.. ayoko naman sila mabasa, at andun na rin ako sa pool, kaya tinanggal ko na lahat at tinapon ko sa side!! hahaha ang saya saya at ang lamig lamig!!!

pretty soon, si myk na gumaya, tapos si jeff tapos si denden.. ung girls hindi na sila nag skinny, hanggang top off na lang tapos naka takip pa ng kamay hahaha parang mga sira lasing naman kami lahat tapos ang dilim dilim pa haha so ayun la lang ang saya lang kasi first time ko rin mag skinny-dip tapos ang lamig pa tapos minsan lumlabas ako ng pool para kumuha ng yosi at kitang kita lahat!! hahaha ang saya saya..

wade wade lang kami dun, walang suot hehe tapos gaguhan lang tawa lang kami ng tawa.. nag race pa kami ni myk kung sinong mauna makapunta from the kiddie pool to the big pool hehehe ang kulit lang and we were joking about how the cold water's affecting our penis size heheh wala lang ang kulit kulit lang we had so much fun.. ang ingay ingay namin buti na lang hindi nagising yung mga tao sa mga townhomes hehe happy birthday tanya!!

so nung may narinig na kaming tao at medyo malapit na magka araw, nagbihis na kami, at bumalik na kami sa bahay ni tanya.. saya! ayun ganun lng.. tamang trip lang.. first time mag skinny dip kasi gusto ko nang subukan tlga dati pa haha.. ayusss basta may next time yan hahaha

2003-05-31T04:26:00.000-07:00
ang tagal naman nila denden gusto ko na umalis..

listening to the second (correction) john mayer song that i really liked.. love song for no one!! yahooo it feels great just listening to it.. from now on this will be my pick-me-up song!!! orayteeeeeeeee

2003-05-30T23:39:00.000-07:00
i just logged on my YM and the webcam girl was online... her status read "takteng howe (boyfriend)! haaaaaay".. then in about a few seconds it quickly changed to "View My Webcam".. siyempre ang naisip ko na agad nun eh show na agad... kaya yun nag logout ako bigla haha mahirap na... if i had stayed any longer i knew i would've gotten another show.. sheesh maybe i'll talk to her later.. pag wala nang webcam hehe

i've successfully stayed away from temptation these past five years due to one simple strategy.. NIP IT IN THE BUD... if i sense there's something sexual here and that all it's going to be, i stay away, right away.. but the downside is it can go overboard, and i end up avoiding the women im sexually attracted to without even trying if i can be emotionally attached to her, without even trying to know her better, to see if there's something more than sexual there.. but im usually a good judge of character and i can spot it right as soon as the first time we meet... hay such is my predicament.. yes chyna, you're right, and i've also said this countless times before: AKO ANG MAY PROBLEMA

2003-05-30T23:10:00.000-07:00
hay naku.. mas ok nako ngayon shiet tlga.. went to bituin's debut last night! saya naman... ang hot ni bits! ü

hay naku there's this feeling again.. hindi na yung emptiness bullshit na pinagsasabi ko kahapon.. it's the longing again, the longing for a companion, a warm body beside you when you wake up in the morning.. someone you could hold hands with.. someone you can talk to about anything, over some hot choco, sa baguio! hahaha hay naku.. tapos sabay kami maligo.. bwahahahaha ano ba yan..

im tired.. tired of me? yeah... tired of my life? yeah... tired, physically tired? yeah...

or maybe im just tired and i need more sleep and that's why im feeling like this... hmmm posible nga...

SULATIN MO NA YUNG SCRIPT MOH!!!!!!!!!!

shet na-frustrate nako sobra.. bakit ba ako ganito..

MAGCONCENTRATE KA NAAAAAAAH!!!!!

hay naku ewan ko ba bsta ang hirap ngayon... i've been in this depressed slump for so long... grrrrrrrrr i hate myself... i said to myself im going to do the first draft by end of may but i dont even have a freaking storyline yet!!!! grrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

i hate myself.. i feel hate hate hate all over.. but still there are the good things.. like last night, it was bit's birthday and i had fun there and it was nice to see bits again.. hmmm

what i would give for a real woman's touch...

i hate my libido, or whatever this feeling is... i need a woman!!! graaaaaaaaaaaaahhh

a real woman... whatever that is, it's subjective.. nyak go figure

there was this girl last night.. really cute.. my type.. and she looked really yummy, delicious haha kilala ni pong ito hahaha.. hoy pong if you're reading this! asteeeg

la lng i just thought she was interesting.. and yummy... and funny.. and yummy.. and crazy.. and yummy.. hahaha anyway i decided not to do anything about it because 1) i haven't released for two days, buddha knows what i might do and 2) she's just too yummy and too tempting... haaaaaaay

so there, because of those reasons, i didn't come up to her even just to talk.. delikado hahahaha but i got tempted... lapit na sana ako kaya lang naisip ko wag na lang haaaaay ano ba yan.. good lord

2003-05-29T22:32:00.000-07:00
what if i do become successful? and find a partner? and have kids? and be happy content and all that? what's it all for? what will happen when i get old and then i die? what's after when you're done with your life and you've done all the things you set out for? what is it really all for?

of course i'll never get my answer do that.. so what should i do?dlfljlsdkafjldjafljadsil;fiagndagv

we do things to keep ourself preoccupied with this life that we have.. but what is it really all for? is it really worth all the toiling, the fun, the sorrows, the happiness, the boredom, the anxiety, the laughs, the poignancies, the euphoria, the contentment, the tears, the angert, the pleasure, and all that shit that make up what we call a life? is it really something that we must go through and experience for ourselves? or can't we just end it because we all know how it's going to be like anyway in the end.. you experience all these emotions and these things and until your body just dies and the idea of your "existence" gets erased.. is it really worth it?

we live our life, we CLING onto it, but do we really ask why we do it? do we really think about why we have to keep on moving on and keep on living our lives?

2003-05-29T20:36:00.000-07:00
there i feel better... i just remedied the problem with the html, but it's still not like what i want it to look like..

smoking helped me feel better again.. god i hate smoking..

it sounds stupid but i feel like i know that girl.. to have problems that are not considered "problems" by regular folk.. i can still feel her.. and i hate her for making me feel for her

good my tagboard's back

2003-05-29T20:01:00.000-07:00
im feeling all this cos of a girl who killed herself... and this not entirely about the girl!!! this is about what ive been feeling for the longest time!!! just that she kinda sparked that feeling again and im thinking about it again more than ever... though i dont think i'll do it.. but i don really know for sure... the helllllllllll

2003-05-29T19:48:00.000-07:00
it's not really about being weak or strong.. it's about knowing what you want out of this life... knowing if you want to LIVE or if you want to DIE.. so you choose.. and once you've chosen, you do something about it..

but still there's this "what if".. what if there's something better that will come my way? something that will give me a reason to live? something that will MAKE ME FEEL ALIVE... but also there's the otherwise part.. what if there's really nothing? and you'll just spend 70 or so years being a crackshit that you are right now.. haaaaay naku such is the life of a human who thinks too much.. but what is too much anyway? see what i mean when i say a human who thinks too much? im not making any sense but at this point i dont really care that much..

2003-05-29T18:40:00.000-07:00
DEATH, THE ULTIMATE RELEASE

i do not know how i feel.. i just went to this girl's site.. she commited suicide a week or so ago.. people in her guestbook described her as not the suicidal type.. this beautiful, smart girl who had everything going for her.. one even said she was "perfect".. and of course, people were angry at her for not even saying goodbye, for killing herself.. and some were were sad, remorseful, for not being there, for not seeing what's really going on.. but what did i feel for her? even though i can see that she's a very special, unique girl who touched so many lives with her genuine self, i envied her... yes, i wanted to be in her place, i envied her... and at the same time i wish we could've done it together, killed ourselves together... i would get joy from knowing her, listening to her talk, seeing her smile, then kill myself with her.. and also i feel this loss, that i could've bumped into her somewhere here and we could've FELT each other, deeply... there's this "what if" thought... what if i had know her soon enough? i know i would've sensed something was wrong with her... that's one thing im proud im good at.. and we would've talked, and i would've understood her, and maybe we could've SHARED each other... so there, like i said, i dont know exactly how i feel..

and i hate her... i hate her for having the guts to do that.. people say those who kill themselves are weak.. but no, it's not a matter of being weak or strong.. it's something else... it's about knowing what you want out if this world.. and CHOOSING to do something about it... she knew what she wanted, and she chose it... but it's different with me cos i dont really know what to do... i dont really know what's keeping me from killing myself.. i dont really know..

this is so depressing... im writing about stuff that i know will never really mean anything.. it's so saddening when you have this sense of emptiness.. that nothing means anything.. she even said something like "maybe there isn't an afterlife, and we should just make the most out of this life." i've always thought that there's probably no afterlife.. oh man i really dont know how i feel.. i want to do what she did.. but i dont know what stopping me.. and im not really making any sense anymore.. just rambling here.. i just dont know... we are born into this world, we live our life, then we go back to the earth where we came from.. we become dirt again.. that's what it's going to be.. but if that's so, why do i have to prolong this life, when i know i'm not going anywhere after this.. and philosopher crackshit said this: "god is man's wish to be immortal".. yes, i will say, i want to have a soul, a spirit.. i want to be IMMORTAL.. but it doesn't seem like it's really like that.. it seems like we just die and that's it.. no freaking heaven or even hell... no afterlife.. we came from the dirt, and we become dirt again..

we CHOOSE to live because we have things we cling onto.. things that we dont want to leave behind.. but what if you feel like everything is worthless and nothing means anything and you just dont have something to cling onto? so then, i guess that's the time when you CHOOSE to die.. you choose death, the ultimate release.. maybe it's what's better... maybe it's what i need.. what everybody needs.. we should all just kill ourselves and spare ourselves from the emptiness of human existence.. CHOOSE death.. CHOOSE it because you just CHOOSE it.. no reasons, no need to justify it.. you just CHOOSE it, and you release yourself

the sweet release of death

2003-05-29T03:50:00.000-07:00
i'm planning to go into a week-long hiatus.. naisip ko kelangan ko na pukpukin yung script na toh.. but im still thinking about it nothing definite yet

or maybe i'll take a break for a day, then i'll come back, then i'll take another break, then i'll come back.. ganun so parang mas maganda ata yun.. hmmm

2003-05-28T23:14:00.000-07:00
shet i've been eating steak for three days already.. peeps pag namatay ako... gusto ko lang malaman niyo na sa heaven ako pupunta wag kayo magalala.. hehehe as if i belive in heaven ;p

i feel like a vegetable, paralyzed by all the cholesterol i've consumed.. i can't even type like i normally do.. wrrrrrrrrrr

2003-05-28T21:28:00.000-07:00
im watching this thing about Silverchair.. man to be doing that in your teens! what i would give!

hay naku pangarap kong maging rockstar.. music is actually my first love.. i vividly remember singing my lungs out in my sister's room to the songs of incubus, deftones, cheese, even slapshock! hehe basta madami yun any song i can get my vocal chords on.. but i never really did anything about it.. pa jamming jamming lang nothing dead serious

i still sing but more of the mellow stuff like coldplay (rocks!), DMB, other mellow crap.. i sing and i play the guitar.. i even wanted to do an acoustic solo thing until that stupid but talented paolo santos came along.. i dont want to be seen as someone who's just jumping on the band wagon.. anyhoo music is now only second on my list as now i've decided to embark on a road much much less traveled.. showbusiness

2003-05-28T20:59:00.000-07:00
took the bloginality test.. im an INFP..

it's very accurate, except for a few things.. 95% accurate.. very surprising indeed

http://bloginality.love-productions.com

my personality:

http://www.personalitypage.com/INFP.html
http://bloginality.love-productions.com/isfp.php

but the thing is i checked another personality type ("the artist") and it seemed a little bit more accurate.. so i guess there's no definite personality type for one person.. people are people, you cant put them in some kind of nomenclature.. we are just too complex for that..

but it does help reading those personality types.. makes you more aware of how you've been thinking and living and all that crap..

2003-05-26T01:35:00.000-07:00
i am afraid (the list)

of failing to fulfill my dreams

of the thought that i can be extremely happy one day, but afterwards i'll get used to it and look for something that will make me "happier"

of not being the best me, at all times

of finding out that i can't fall in love, even if i so freaking try

of realizing that nothing means anything

of being the only one in the planet who understands what it's like to be me

of the thought that i will never know what a real woman's touch is like

ok ok ano pa ba...

2003-05-26T01:28:00.000-07:00
PINGGOOOYYYY!!! KILI-KILING HILAW ISULAT MO NA YAAAAAAAAAHNNN!!!!

2003-05-25T21:43:00.000-07:00
naadik na yata ako sa kakalagay ng photos ah.. hehehe

SYEEEEEEEET!!! may shoot dapat ako for acid's short film but i had to back out kasi kagabi ko lang na realize na bday ng utol ko ngayon! sobraaang konsensiya ako nahihiya ako sa kanila.. errrr hay naku kasi naman bakit sobrang sabog mo pinggoy!!! hay naku as much as i would like to make it up to them, there's no way.. i blew them off at the last minute how can you get more moronic than that? SYEEEEEEEEET!!! nahihiya tlga ako waaaaaaaaaaah

2003-05-23T17:06:00.000-07:00
well we didnt meet.. sabi ko next week na lang.. but i've decided not to go through with it anymore and i'll tell her that.. yey

naisip ko hindi ko tlga kaya.. ewan ko ba kung ano naisip ko.. i guess i just got caught in the horniness of it all.. di rin kaya ng konsensya ko

pero sobrang na tempt tlga ako.. sooooobra.. kasi isipin mo, wala naman akong gerlpren, walang special someone, so may masasaktan ba pag ginawa ko yun? wala..

pero naisip ko rin, di rin siguro kaya ng konsensiya ko... and plus there's another factor pero masyado pang malabo yun.. pero kahit paano factor pa rin siya

ayan i feel all right about about not meeting her.. kasi tama yung sinabi ni chyna.. pag nag meet kami, kung ano ano na maiisip ko, at sigurado kung ano ano na gagawin ko sa kanya.. plus it helps that she's willing.. ayun

yey

2003-05-23T02:23:00.000-07:00
SEX EB???

i am going to make kwento (yuck!) about a girl i've been chatting with.. whose identity i will take to my grave..

i've been chatting with this girl.. she's a classmate of a friend of mine, and my friend gave my YM handle to her.. we've been chatting for something like 2 weeks already.. and she has a webcam (read: WEBCAM).. and she has pics so i've seen how she looks.. cute siya.. she's seen how i look, i showed her a pic.. we talk about her worthless boypren, her failed mark this summer and how much the prof pisses her off, but best of all, we talk about SEX.. yes, we talk about my sex drive, her sex drive, how i need to relieve everyday, how SHE needs to relieve everyday, things in common hahaha... pansin ko puro tungkol sa sex na lng laman ng blog ko ah.. hmmm ok lng yan

then just a few days ago, we were chatting with her webcam on, and she kidded me, "gusto ko mag show" so ako naman siympre joke back, "o sige show! show!" tapos sabay "hehehe"... alam mo sabi niya? alam mo sinabi niya???? she said "andito sister ko eh, next time.." so i just waited for her to say something like "joke lng" or "hahaha" but i got nothing.. so what will a guy think? especially a guy, repressed for ages, dying to get his hands on a woman's soft body? op kors u know what i thought, i need not mention hehehe...

pero walang show ah, i just quickly brushed it aside again with another "hehehe kulit mo ah show ka dyan"... then when we said goodbyes, i was joking her "uy ung utang mong show ah! next time!" of course when i said that, i was kinda hoping she was serious about it.. naught devil you pinggoy hehehe

now yesterday afternoon, she joked about it again, then said "kaya lng hiya ako sayo eh".. op kors, being the naughty horny devil that i am.. i said "sus ako pa".. then she said "o cge teka lng"... and you know what happened.. and it's not like a "show", as in show sa cabaret.. it's a "show" na parang "ok, i'll show you my.." so there, no more details, let's just say nothing shown below the waist hahaha.. and oh my gaaaaaaaaawd... she even asked me "are u doing smthng (to yourself)".. op kors wala, kasi may tao pa sa baba, pero nde nila kita ung webcam nya.. at kung wala namang tao, eh malamang may nagawa nako sa sarili ko diba.. hehehe

and she was online again that night, and she was saying "di pwede mag show may tao eh".. and all the while she was gauging and testing me whether i liked the "show" or not.. and so i hinted that i did like it.. she said doing the show made her horny.. i said her show made ME horny.. then she decided to give me these pics of her from the webcam, you know what kind of pics.. think: head cropped off, only the upper body's shown.. so anyway we ended getting horny again, and she asked "gusto mo tulungan kita" and i said "tulungan? paano? dito? sa phone? what?" hahaha ang kulit so ayun, ganun sabi niya dito daw sa net, but again i couldn't really do anything cos of the people around me..

pakshet so there we were, both horny and talking about doing things to each other (this is not cybersex).. and then she joked "gusto mo live (na natin gawin)"... i knew she wasn't really joking so i said "ewan ko eh".. then she said "sige wag na lng ayaw mo eh yoko pilitin ka".. but eventually i gave in pakipot pa hahaha.. so shet i cant believe im doing this.. we're going to meet first tonight.. then we can decide whether we do something about it next week.. ooooh man

i told her i dont want to do it with her, as in no penetration.. i want to stay a virgin and i dont want any unwanted pregnancies.. so if she's ok with just hands and tongue, i guess im ok..

i mean what to do? she's a really horny woman who wants to be satisfied (i guess you can blame the bf too), and she's very discreet about it because even my friend doesn't know about what she's been doing.. and i asked her if she's done this before and said this is the first time... and i believe her i guess.. and plus, she's not really someone close to me, like a friend.. so it'll be a sex-only arrangement.. a fuck buddy relationship.. no feelings hurt, no one left hanging, everybody satisfied..

and if you've read one of my recents posts, i mentioned something about having a fuck buddy and being open to it more than ever before.. so ang cute na cute talaga ng timing! lechs just when i've been seriously open to having a fuck buddy, here she comes along, without my lifting a finger! i mean, whoa! where did you come from horny woman?! she practically fell on my lap...

makes me think MAYBE there is a god.. bwahahahaha ayun wala lang haha

so really im still not sure what to do.. people you know me, i dont get into relationships right away cos i dont want to end up hurting anybody.. and i want to make love, not have sex so i dont want any penetration.. so this is very different.. we agreed this is only for the sex (of course no penetration, PROBABLY).. fuck buddy lang tlga ika nga..

so there you have it.. who will cast the first stone? hehe ang drama uy

so im still thinking whether im going to meet her tonight..

2003-05-21T22:53:00.000-07:00
weird.. haven't released for quite some time now.. four days at least.. but this time it's nothing intentional.. just so happened that i was always out of the house the past few days or i was busy with something.. and of course you know how i feel right now.. wahahaha

HOY ANAK KA NG POTAH!!! TAPUSIN MO NA YAN!!!

denden's coming over he's borrowing some money... so ayan hindi na lalo ako makakapagsulat niyan shet

hmm just got me thinking.. i seem to be enjoying this repression thing.. is this probably a glimpse of my masochist self? wahaha it wouldn't hurt to have that hahaha actually, i think it would've be more fun if i did have a masochis side.. kicking and screaming to come out.. wahahaha

2003-05-20T23:45:00.000-07:00
waaaah ano nangyari sa blog koh?

asteeeeg check out pong's photos at www.photos.ph/pong or you can just click on the "porno site" link at your right asteeeeg

2003-05-20T19:39:00.000-07:00
yey had lunch with my good friends at bento box, good food but a bit too expensive for my taste ;p

miss ko kayo, we should do this more often! nyak kaya lang lapit na classes so busy na naman kayo oh well what's new hehe

kaya lang sayang di nakapunta yung iba.. di bale neks time! :)

below is the first john mayer song that i liked and surprisingly, i liked the lyrics too! liked the melody, aliw sya, tapos nung narinig ko yung lyrics, aba can relate si ping! well let's just say this is how i've been feeling for quite some time now.. as in sakto siya swak na swak.. and this is more or less what my lovelife has been doing for the past 2 years at least ü

"Love Song For No One"
by John Mayer

Staying home alone on a Friday
Flat on the floor looking back
On old love
Or lack thereof
After all the crushes are faded
And all my wishful thinking was wrong
I'm jaded
I hate it

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here

Searching all my days just to find you
I'm not sure who I'm looking for
I'll know it
When I see you
Until then, I'll hide in my bedroom
Staying up all night just to write
A love song for no one

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here

I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance
And watched you walk away?

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
You'll be so good
You'll be so good for me

pakshet maderhamper tinyot

2003-05-18T17:11:00.000-07:00
OFFICIAL STARTING TIME OF REPRESSION WEEK: monday, may 11, 9:30 am
SUPPOSED ENDING TIME OF REPRESSION WEEK: monday, may 18, 9:30 am

you must've noticed the word supposed up there.. yep you guessed it right, i didn't end it on or after may 18, 9:30 am.. i ended Repression Week last night, 12:30 am. but i'm not disappointed at myself for not making it. that's a mere technicality. i could've easily slept it off and woke up at 9:30 am and it would've been all over. i thought, it's the same thing, i can just sleep tonight and tomorrow it's over. where's the fun in that? nada. so i chose more fun. ;p

but after a loooooong week, you're thinking the release would've been phenomenal??? a big NO.

well, it's a bit better, but nothing EXPLOSIVE (pun intended), as i so freaking expected. i even got up right after to get something to nibble on. i thought, that's it? no mind-blowing shit? no i-can't-help-but-moan ecstasy? hmmm i think there's some ham in the fridge...

stranger thing is i felt empty after. yes, EMPTY. i should've been disappointed, considering how much i anticipated the mt. pinatubo explosion. but as i would have it, the weird feeling of emptiness came in, along with loneliness, bitterness, and the likes. no disappointment, just an empty feeling.

and that moment oh so reminded why i don't get into relationships just for the fuckfests. why i've always thought, you don't go into relationships just for the sex, you get into it so you could've make love and cuddle afterwards... so screw fuck buddies, they're just a waste of my time...

but still, who knows really? i'm a very open-minded person, and i must admit i have been open-minded to the idea of having a fuck buddy for the past five years (only now, im more open-minded to it than ever before). maybe i'll try it one time, just for the heck of it, just to experience what it's like. or maybe not. i don't know really. depends. but i've a strong feeling i will eventually try it, considering where im going right now in this shitty life of mine, and the thoughts i've been having for that past few months. yes, i probably will, pero tikim lang. haha

so now, a whole week of nagging hormones is over, and it's same old same old time again for ping.

same old, same old.

2003-05-18T06:47:00.000-07:00
i feel fine, i feel ok... i always say that.. even when im really not... and i have ONE good reason for doing that..

whenever i opened up (way back, dont even remember the last time) about something that was bothering me, i don't feel any better afterwards... i vent, but somehow that person im venting to is all clogged-up, and all the steam that im trying to get rid of come hopelessly back to me.. so most of the time i end up writing off that person as someone who's "insensitive, just like the rest of the of the freaking flock", plus i still don't feel any better about my problem..

so there i am, bothered and feeling bad so i try to vent, but when i vent i feel much worse because that "friend" just proved once again why i have to use quotations with the word "friend".. i need to have more faith in the human race, and this not the way to do it..

it's like this..

PING: oi alam mo ba ganito ganyan, bad trip..
"FRIEND": ok lang yan.
PING: pero bad trip tlga. ganito ganyan paano kaya yun?
"FRIEND": ok lang yan.
PING: matulog ka na kaya?
"FRIEND": ok lang yan.

of course this is an exaggerated way of proving my point, well sort of ;p

and also...

PING: hay naku buhay...
"FRIEND":bakit ano nangyari?
PING: kasi kanina may ganito ganyan, ang kupal..
"FRIEND": ay tlga! alam mo yung friend ko ring isa eh ganyan rin.. (starts to tell the friend's story)

so there you have it.. special moments with my "friends", quite possibly forever etched in my head..

but dont get me wrong.. i haven't lost faith in people.. asking them to be empathetic to others is an edsa fly-over leap compared to making them environmentally aware, safe-sex aware, etc. i guess im just complaining, not demanding.. wait isnt that the same thing? haha labo ;p

so where does that leave me? of course, same old, same old.

alone. all by my lonesome self.

2003-05-16T17:03:00.000-07:00
wow it's the fifth day of repression week.. kamuntik na naman matapos kagabi. i was getting reallly really tempted.. buti na lang malakas ang will power.. wehehe

im not sure but i think Kla texted me last night with a quote she's sent me already (she's done that a few time before).. ip me memorys serbs me rayt, she texted around 1:30 am and i replied with something like "gising ka pa pala ü".. now that i think about it probably shouldnt have replied cos i can barely remember what happened.. or did it happen? nyak

and i woke up crying again... just not sure it happened though (thoughts of im becoming a schizo or sumthing are coming in) cos when i woke up crying, i looked at the time and it was 8:30, then i fell back to sleep.. then i woke up again and i looked at the time,, 8:00 pa lang! weird dont really know what happened baka mali lang tingin ko when i woke up crying.. cos of the tears? hehe i dont know... i dont even know why i was crying.. i can vaguely remember.. it's probably about being alone LIKE THAT again..im not alone, im just alone LIKE THAT..

it's our team's championship game later.. i missed the last four games so i dont know if im in any condition to play later... let's see.. saka dumlao gym? never heard of it all my life.. hahanapin ko pa yun bwisit bakit di na lang sa crame uli.. porket championship lilipat na nila.. geez

hay naku bad trip im having problems with transfering my script from this computer to the laptop.. dont know what's wrong for sure.. ayaw lang tlga eh bad trip.. susbukan ko mamaya.. and from now on i won't be doing my writing here... dun na sa laptop para wala nang hassle.. kaya lang ang init sa taas pag hapon.. errrr

SHEEEEEEEYAT!!!

i was aiming to get the first draft done by the end of june.. that means i have a grand total of.. tada!... 14 freakin days! shoot me in the head and cut me up real good cos i dont ever want to be found..

and im having coke for breakfast.. is that bad? harhar life is short, so make it shorter ;p

2003-05-15T23:10:00.000-07:00
dear blog,

LECHENG PUTANGINANG KILI-KILING HILAW! HINDI KO NA KAYA!

kanina kamuntikan ko nang gawin.. shet kasi na porn yan eh i decided to give it another peek (i know my fault) and i ended up getting you know.. hay naku muntik nang maudlot ang repression week ko grabeeeh.. muntik na, kung hindi ko lang napigilan!!!

2003-05-15T20:19:00.000-07:00
peanut butter and jello! it's the fourth day of repression week! and i feel... repressed... hahahaha buti na lang hindi ako lumalabas ng bahay at nakakakita ng mga magandang dilag! kung hindi... nakupo! PURE TORTURE! parang masochista nako kung ganun.. iba tlga eh pag nakakita ka ng ganun and you're all charged-up with your hormones or whatever.. iba tlga takbo ng utak mo eh.. keep the women away from me!!! it's for their own good!!!!

but the weird thing is im fine when im not reminded of sex.. that's when im cooking, exercising, or doing something tha's keeping me really busy.. and if i refrain from wagging my legs, or if i keep my thing from brushing up against anything, and i mean anything.. im all good.. im not reminded.. teehee

waaaaaaah may download pa naman kuya ko na porn na naman sus tlga yun.. but i didn't watch it.. ok i took a peek... ok! ok! ok! i watched the whole damn thing! but i didnt do anything (alam niyo na yun) since IT IS Repression Week (dum dum dum dum...) putah nababaliw na ata ako may sound effects nako.. anyway back to the porn (haha).. it's home-made porn, i can tell (whos' the expert? haha).. putah ang tamad nung babae nakahiga lang siya dun.. but she did look like she was stoned or something.. not sure really... but she was enjoying it, at nakahiga lang siya tlga... well ang tamad lang wala lang...

alam mo tama ka nga magiging nata de coco na toh by the time im through.. hahaha ang kulit tlga ng hirit na yun

i slept around 3:30 am and woke up around 8:30.. woke up crying (crying again ping?).. dreaming that my lola and mom caught me hiding my cigarettes (by they way i haven't smoked since yesterday yihee)... but that wasn't it... there was like this feeling that they were ganging up on me and they were really mean.. that made me cry i guess.. it wasnt really the cigarettes.. it's like why are they doing this? what's wrong with them? ive been a good boy cut me some slack.. well in their eyes im probably not a good boy.. i mean i flunked out of college (which bad and good at the same time), and i dont have anything definite ahead of me.. i mean that must really be agitating for parent.. thinking that your child plans to be a bum all his life.. which is something i dont plan to do.. i'd rather be raped than be a bum.. hahaha rape me, nah nah nah...

MAGSULAT KA NAAAAAAAH!!!!

2003-05-15T12:21:00.000-07:00
chatted with a new friend of mine.. we talked something she feels strongly about (understatement of the year), which is faith.. to be more specific, her born againism (tama ba yun? haha).. and other more specific stuff like jesus, miracles, the bible (her textbook of life), among other things... it was quite interesting actually.. she's a woman of faith and i'm a man of faith no more.. all i did was fire some questions at her ang she just answered what she believed in.. there was no imposing of wills, no hot-headed, ego-fueled retorts.. just nice good exchange of thoughts.. she said what she thought about something and i said what i thought about it.. well i didnt really say everything and was holding back a lot.. and she was always looking for a passage from the bible so it's hard for both of us as it is.. and she has this certain preacher disposition, which i think suits her.. anyway i admire people like her, people of faith.. at least they know what they believe in, they know what they want.. i can just hope they try to use their strong faith for the betterment of mankind.. ok here i go again, ping the blabbering humanist..

hay pagod nako.. my eyes arent really heavy but they are tired.. im gonna sleep anytime soon now.. and it wouldnt exactly be good if my mom caught me still down here.. yikes

well i'm almost into DAY 4 of repression week.. im thinking of pushing thru to a second week.. not sure if that's ok.. or if it's doable.. but i think it is.. anyway we'll see after i finish this first week, and that is if i ever finish this first week..

HAHA PING ANG SAYA MO, HINDI MO PA SINULAT YUNG SCRIPT NOH

whoops... wait i feel an inspiration coming.. but i'll write it later.. after i've had some sleep.. or i can write while im like this and i'll write in the laptop.. asteeg onga sige.. o baka hindi na rin kasi antok nako.. hay naku wateber i'll see when i get there...

2003-05-14T19:22:00.000-07:00
WAHAHAHA! it's been 3 days buhay pa rin ako! lechs na repression week ito.. hindi ako makapagsulat.. di rin ata gumagana eh bale wala... di bale meron pakong 4 days sigurado kasya na yun.. at kung hindi magkasya, mag repression week pa tayo uli! hehehe wag naman di na tlga kaya ng powers ko.. (hi chynaü)

hmm when is da inuman op da bench? jaz wondering.. tagal eh

2003-05-14T12:04:00.000-07:00
woke up around 11 pm.. slept for about six hours.. i didnt feel good waking up.. my dad came home, still wasnt feeling better.. he went to bed and i went to the bathroom to take a bath.. then i cried.. i was standing there and i was crying.. i dont know, it just hit me, and i really mean it just hit me, that nobody needs me.. yes sorta like an epiphany, though a negative one, that nobody needs me.. and it made me cry, whimper in fact.. i was whimpering and i had to turn on the taps cos my brother was just outside and i didnt want him to hear me whimpering... nobody fucking needs me

but i feel better now.. after taking a long bath and crying a bit.. i actually like crying it makes me feel better after.. even if it's as pathetic as crying because nobody needs you.. yes it's true nobody needs me... not LIKE THAT anyway.. i mean people miss me my friends miss me and i miss them too... but they dont really need me.. it's something else.. maybe what i need is someone who will need me LIKE THAT..

i tried being that person, that person who's fine with not needing anyone.. i'm like yeah i dont need anybody, screw them, nobody's tying my balls down.. but all those years of thinking like that finally caught up with me i guess.. now im thinking, if i can just have one person who i will need LIKE THAT, and she will need me LIKE THAT, then it's all good.. i'll die a happy happy man.. haha i wish

ewan ko ba..

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Low
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	Low
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Low
Histrionic:	Low
Narcissistic:	Low
Avoidant:	Low
Dependent:	Low
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Moderate
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